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polnareff i do not want to hear about yours and buccellati's sex life thank you very much
what did i just say
we're obligated to do this
i don't make the friendship rules kakyoin
we're obligated to do this
i don't make the friendship rules kakyoin
i will if you keep this line of conversation going
you definitely won't
anyway i don't know why you're protesting
like talking about sex is the worst thing we've ever done together
anyway i don't know why you're protesting
like talking about sex is the worst thing we've ever done together
I prefer to keep certain things to myself. Is that so unbelievable?
well yeah
honestly
i mean look all bullshitting aside i dno't care if we don't talk about it
but i usually end up telling my friends
honestly
i mean look all bullshitting aside i dno't care if we don't talk about it
but i usually end up telling my friends
Fine, I guess. I'm just not the type to talk about this kind of thing myself. At least I don't think I am.
[He's gotten into the habit of texting Kakyoin whenever he wants to ask him something emotional. It's convenient and far easier, because they can both hide their expression that way. But for something like this, Polnareff wants to speak in person. Maybe because it's not about him, which will make the issue all the harder to articulate. Maybe because it's a sensitive topic to Kakyoin, and he wants to make sure he doesn't mess up.
Either way, the day after Bruno's birthday, once everyone has finished supper, Polnareff tugs at Kakyoin's sleeve. Nodding his head, he heads out into the backyard. The sun has long since set, and Polnareff is an orange glow in the darkness, his cigarette flaring as he lights up.]
I need your advice.
Either way, the day after Bruno's birthday, once everyone has finished supper, Polnareff tugs at Kakyoin's sleeve. Nodding his head, he heads out into the backyard. The sun has long since set, and Polnareff is an orange glow in the darkness, his cigarette flaring as he lights up.]
I need your advice.
...?
[Kakyoin followed in confused but patient silence, walking out into the backyard a few steps behind Polnareff. His hands went to his pockets, the faint green glow under his sleeve at the wrist being the only other light between them.]
Of course, Polnareff. What's wrong?
[Kakyoin followed in confused but patient silence, walking out into the backyard a few steps behind Polnareff. His hands went to his pockets, the faint green glow under his sleeve at the wrist being the only other light between them.]
Of course, Polnareff. What's wrong?
I--
[He glances up and away. He wants so badly to be able to be tactful. God knows he's not, but this is important to both Bruno and Kakyoin.]
Those nightmares a few weeks ago. The ones where we all went into one another's dreams. I saw . . . I saw Bruno dying.
[That's not the problem. Or-- well, it had been a problem, but not the one Polnareff is referring to.]
Afterwards . . . we were a mess, y'know? And after all of it, after we'd calmed down, I told him: I love you. Because I do, I love him, and I wanted him to know.
[His ears burn at that, anxiety clawing in the pit of his stomach, but he shoves it away. Now isn't the time for that kind of anxiety, and anyway, it's pointless. Kakyoin of all people isn't going to take issue with that statement.]
And just-- god, it almost made it worse, because then it came out he just . . . [A momentary pause.] He loves me too, y'know? But he didn't even want to start this, because he knew-- he kept saying things like I'm on borrowed time, Jean and I don't have a future. And it's not like he's lying, I understand what he's saying, but I just-- he wants to go home, Noriaki, he wants to not be dead, he wants all this shit and I don't know what to tell him. He doesn't want to be here, and I just-- I know he thinks about it. And I don't know what to do.
[He glances up and away. He wants so badly to be able to be tactful. God knows he's not, but this is important to both Bruno and Kakyoin.]
Those nightmares a few weeks ago. The ones where we all went into one another's dreams. I saw . . . I saw Bruno dying.
[That's not the problem. Or-- well, it had been a problem, but not the one Polnareff is referring to.]
Afterwards . . . we were a mess, y'know? And after all of it, after we'd calmed down, I told him: I love you. Because I do, I love him, and I wanted him to know.
[His ears burn at that, anxiety clawing in the pit of his stomach, but he shoves it away. Now isn't the time for that kind of anxiety, and anyway, it's pointless. Kakyoin of all people isn't going to take issue with that statement.]
And just-- god, it almost made it worse, because then it came out he just . . . [A momentary pause.] He loves me too, y'know? But he didn't even want to start this, because he knew-- he kept saying things like I'm on borrowed time, Jean and I don't have a future. And it's not like he's lying, I understand what he's saying, but I just-- he wants to go home, Noriaki, he wants to not be dead, he wants all this shit and I don't know what to tell him. He doesn't want to be here, and I just-- I know he thinks about it. And I don't know what to do.
[Whatever Kakyoin had expected, it was immediately evident by the expression on his face that was not it. It wasn't something hurt or betrayed, instead he looked as though the floor had been sharply jerked out from under him and he was internally struggling to find his footing again.]
[There was anxiety of his own similarly taking root in the pit of his stomach in a very different way--anxiety paired with the distant echo of phantom pain, and the genuine confusion of oh my god, he thinks I can really answer this-]
I...
[Where to even start? Obviously that was a sentiment he understood--one he'd seen in certain others as well. But did he really have any idea how to confront it from the other side of things?]
[There was anxiety of his own similarly taking root in the pit of his stomach in a very different way--anxiety paired with the distant echo of phantom pain, and the genuine confusion of oh my god, he thinks I can really answer this-]
I...
[Where to even start? Obviously that was a sentiment he understood--one he'd seen in certain others as well. But did he really have any idea how to confront it from the other side of things?]
Ah, Christ--
[Maybe he shouldn't have asked. God, Kakyoin looks like he'd just been sucker punched; he most definitely shouldn't have asked. This is a touchy subject and he should have brought it up with Jotaro, with someone who didn't die.]
Never mind. Look, forget it. He's happy from his birthday, he's real over the moon, and that'll last a while, I can figure it out in the meantime.
[Maybe he shouldn't have asked. God, Kakyoin looks like he'd just been sucker punched; he most definitely shouldn't have asked. This is a touchy subject and he should have brought it up with Jotaro, with someone who didn't die.]
Never mind. Look, forget it. He's happy from his birthday, he's real over the moon, and that'll last a while, I can figure it out in the meantime.
No-...stop.
[Kakyoin shook his head as if that would clear out his nerves and hesitation. Slow, deep breaths--Polnareff had come to him asking for help with a perspective it was impossible for him to have. Falling apart would serve no purpose. Unease had already set his skin crawling with things he preferred not to think about, but not thinking about them didn't make them less of an ever-present fact.]
Don't leave, it's okay. But I...don't know if I can help, Jean.
[Noriaki Kakyoin and Bruno Buccellati were dead, and yet here they were just wanting to go home. What could anyone do about that--over a year in this city and Kakyoin still didn't have any answers.]
[Kakyoin shook his head as if that would clear out his nerves and hesitation. Slow, deep breaths--Polnareff had come to him asking for help with a perspective it was impossible for him to have. Falling apart would serve no purpose. Unease had already set his skin crawling with things he preferred not to think about, but not thinking about them didn't make them less of an ever-present fact.]
Don't leave, it's okay. But I...don't know if I can help, Jean.
[Noriaki Kakyoin and Bruno Buccellati were dead, and yet here they were just wanting to go home. What could anyone do about that--over a year in this city and Kakyoin still didn't have any answers.]
[In some ways, there was no helping at all. He knew that. It was what made the situation so maddening. It wasn't that the price was too high to pay, or the cure too difficult to find. He could conquer those things. But there was nothing to do, nothing at all, and so he was trapped. Helpless, and god, but did he ever hate that.]
Do you like it here?
[An off-tangent question, maybe, but not as much as Kakyoin might have thought.]
Do you like it here?
[An off-tangent question, maybe, but not as much as Kakyoin might have thought.]
I do. Occasionally, yes, circumstances do try their best to make us all profoundly miserable in the worst ways. But it's because I came here that I was able to meet Giorno, Buccellati, Caesar, Fugo, or any of the other friends I've made in the time that I've been here.
[...]
...But it's not really home. It--it is, I mean...this place feels more like home to me than I think anywhere else really has before. But it's not where I should be. It's not Tokyo, it's not my parents' house.
I like this city, and I'm happy here. But every last one of us needs to be somewhere else if we want to keep living our lives. I want to go back to school and to university after that--I want to meet Jolyne someday, whatever that takes. I want to go to Morioh and Italy and...I can't do any of that if I'm stuck here.
[...]
...But it's not really home. It--it is, I mean...this place feels more like home to me than I think anywhere else really has before. But it's not where I should be. It's not Tokyo, it's not my parents' house.
I like this city, and I'm happy here. But every last one of us needs to be somewhere else if we want to keep living our lives. I want to go back to school and to university after that--I want to meet Jolyne someday, whatever that takes. I want to go to Morioh and Italy and...I can't do any of that if I'm stuck here.
But you think you can.
[He says that, realizes how it sounds, and hastily adds:]
I do too, but-- Bruno doesn't. He thinks this is it, and he hates it, and I don't blame him. But I don't . . . I don't know how to say I'll find a way to fix it without sounding like I'm lying to him.
[Never mind all the time issues that he and Bruno have. That's a problem for another day.]
[He says that, realizes how it sounds, and hastily adds:]
I do too, but-- Bruno doesn't. He thinks this is it, and he hates it, and I don't blame him. But I don't . . . I don't know how to say I'll find a way to fix it without sounding like I'm lying to him.
[Never mind all the time issues that he and Bruno have. That's a problem for another day.]
I stop at thinking that I can because if I start asking myself how, I feel like I'll want to start screaming and never stop. Like examining that too closely is just going to make me completely snap and give up.
When I first got here, I was pretty convinced this was it too. But it just didn't make sense, I mean look at me, I'm still breathing right now. Am I really just supposed to accept that someday I might just...
[But he had to accept it, didn't he? Any of them could just leave with no warning. And for some, that was a problem with much more finality than others. Kakyoin folded his arms, glancing away for just a second or two while he tried collecting himself again.]
...I understand Buccellati's perspective. I don't know with certainty that any of us can fix this, and I know what it feels like to think there's no point in anything if we can't.
['I won't ask him to love someone that probably doesn't have a future.' Hadn't Kakyoin said that himself once, maybe just a little over a year ago?]
...But that means that I really don't know how to help, either.
When I first got here, I was pretty convinced this was it too. But it just didn't make sense, I mean look at me, I'm still breathing right now. Am I really just supposed to accept that someday I might just...
[But he had to accept it, didn't he? Any of them could just leave with no warning. And for some, that was a problem with much more finality than others. Kakyoin folded his arms, glancing away for just a second or two while he tried collecting himself again.]
...I understand Buccellati's perspective. I don't know with certainty that any of us can fix this, and I know what it feels like to think there's no point in anything if we can't.
['I won't ask him to love someone that probably doesn't have a future.' Hadn't Kakyoin said that himself once, maybe just a little over a year ago?]
...But that means that I really don't know how to help, either.
[He nodded. Took a long drag on his cigarette, trying like hell to focus. He'd been smoking less, thanks to Bruno's crisply expressed wishes. He didn't mind all that much, except it meant that he really had to make the most out of each cigarette. So: inhale, savor, exhale, a long slow process that gave him time to think.]
But that changed somewhere along the way, right? Thinking there's no point in doing anything. I mean, you and Jojo--
[He gestured vaguely, indicating their general relationship.]
You aren't just in it thinking it's all gonna end here. Are you?
But that changed somewhere along the way, right? Thinking there's no point in doing anything. I mean, you and Jojo--
[He gestured vaguely, indicating their general relationship.]
You aren't just in it thinking it's all gonna end here. Are you?
I have to be realistic and accept the possibility that it could, Jean. Whether or not I leave this city and when is out of my control; it has been since the moment I got here, the same as anyone else.
But I... [Kakyoin trailed off, Hierophant winding through his fingers and around his hand in silent restlessness.] ...If this is my only chance, I don't want to spend it being afraid of the possibilities. I don't want to spend it afraid of anything.
I love Jotaro, and I care about every last one of you. Distancing myself because of how unsure I am of what comes next would only hurt both sides that much more, if the worst should eventually happen. Wouldn't it?
But I... [Kakyoin trailed off, Hierophant winding through his fingers and around his hand in silent restlessness.] ...If this is my only chance, I don't want to spend it being afraid of the possibilities. I don't want to spend it afraid of anything.
I love Jotaro, and I care about every last one of you. Distancing myself because of how unsure I am of what comes next would only hurt both sides that much more, if the worst should eventually happen. Wouldn't it?
I think so.
[He glanced towards Kakyoin for a few moments before looking away.]
But I think he doesn't, sometimes. [...] I know he doesn't sometimes. The day we got together he shot me down at first, because he thought it'd be kinder if we didn't start something.
[He glanced towards Kakyoin for a few moments before looking away.]
But I think he doesn't, sometimes. [...] I know he doesn't sometimes. The day we got together he shot me down at first, because he thought it'd be kinder if we didn't start something.
I didn't want to start anything at first, either. I thought that if I did, and it turned out that I couldn't go back-...
[He curled his fingers around Hierophant, the coil twisting around Kakyoin's hand as though it were a second hand holding on just as securely.]
...You know I wouldn't hurt him like that. Not if I could help it.
[He curled his fingers around Hierophant, the coil twisting around Kakyoin's hand as though it were a second hand holding on just as securely.]
...You know I wouldn't hurt him like that. Not if I could help it.
I know.
[Inhale, savor, exhale.]
But you thought it was worth it, in the end.
[Inhale, savor, exhale.]
But you thought it was worth it, in the end.
Yeah, I did. And--maybe it's a little selfish, but I didn't want to just hide how I felt. Even if it was to protect him from getting hurt, that just didn't feel right.
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