I felt pretty good about that, actually. Once I realized you weren't staring at me because I looked weird, it...wasn't that bad. I liked seeing that kind of reaction.
[That train of thought was put on hold for a moment, in favor of Kakyoin kissing a slow and deliberate line along Jotaro's neck and jawline.]
...I don't always feel like what you probably see me as. So...it means a lot.
I mentioned it before--I don't really care how people think I look. There have always been people that overlooked or underestimated me because I'm smaller or look like a girl compared to most guys; that doesn't bother me. I've never had a problem taking pride in my appearance no matter what others had to say about it.
[He moved one hand long enough to take off his glasses and set them aside, skimming his fingertips along Jotaro's arm before dropping them back to his side.]
But there are things I can control and things I can't. I don't think I'd call it a sense of self-consciousness in this specific instance...I just worry about you. I worry about what you could be thinking when you look at what's under the shirt I'm wearing--if it's 'I need to protect Kakyoin' or if you're remembering an entire living nightmare, or...anything.
[His arms slipped more securely around Jotaro's waist, possessive in his own way while Hierophant coiled around the arm his user had just trailed his hand over.]
There are those times when I see you watch me like I'm something amazing, and then there are the times when I'm worried the way I look is just...an unpleasant reminder. So I guess that I'm trying to say that the former makes it easier to tell myself how unlikely the latter probably is.
[With the glasses off of Kakyoin's face, Jotaro takes that as an opportunity to lean up and mouth a kiss high on Kakyoin's cheek, near the base of one of his scars, and then shifts up to repeat the motion on the top of it near the brow.]
...I remember that you couldn't scream. Because N'doul would hear it, and it would've given us away. You were that hurt, this hurt...and none of us could make a sound.
[He shifts to the other side, showing the same attention to the other scar.]
I think...for a long time I wanted to protect you because I was scared. Because you've been hurt so much...because there were too many times I couldn't save you. I didn't want anything to happen to you, and I didn't want to have to go through seeing you get hurt again.
But now I think maybe there's a difference. I think what I was thinking then was "I need to protect him". And...you don't need that. You don't need me to do that.
...But I still want to. I think I'll always want to. Because I think I'll always want to protect the people I love. So I don't think I'll ever stop wanting to, because to do that I'd have to stop loving you.
That's what you look like to me. Everything else is just...different shades of that constant.
[Kakyoin closed his eyes at the attention to his face, leaning his forehead against Jotaro's once the other was finished.]
I feel the same way. I can take getting a little scratched up, but if anything seriously hurt you I'm not sure how I would even begin to handle it. [What else was I supposed to do, he almost wanted to ask--but it was a pointless question. Even if there had been another way back in a desert winter night, Kakyoin had still chosen what he believed was right. What he was sure would end in the best result for the others' survival.]
[His friends would live--live with that same look of grief and anger Jotaro had given him when he was still new to this city. Holly would still cry the same way she did when she found out. His parents would still be just as devastated. With all they'd already lost, was throwing himself in danger really the only way to prevent anyone else from dying?]
[It wasn't a matter of 'what else was I supposed to do' but 'what am I supposed to do now', wan't it?]
[He really didn't know how long he was stuck on that train of thought before trying to focus again. You don't need me to do that, he said--that was right. Noriaki Kakyoin was not something so easily broken; he could flourish under unbearable pressure just like a forming emerald.]
[But then, didn't the reverse hold just as true?]
You don't need me to protect you either, do you? [The question was rhetorical, paired with a slow and hesitant smile.] None of you really need that, but I'm still going to want to. I love you, so I don't...want to lose you. [So yes--this must have been the same idea. Had their positions been reversed, Kakyoin honestly didn't know if he'd even be capable of keeping his composure when the risk of losing everything again was this present.]
Mm...sorry. I wasn't trying to make this so depressing. [He decided to take that as invitation for something a little more substantial, tilting his head for a kiss edged with the trace of a smirk.] But it's nice--just talking like this.
...And who says I'm acting? Maybe I get jealous when something else has your attention sometimes.
I don't know if I've ever really been jealous before, but aren't I usually a terror in some form? [Hierophant started moving again, reaching a little further to take its favored position lacing through Jotaro's fingers.]
Someone might think I was real trouble, if they knew me well enough.
About a specific person, I mean. I've never had any reason to be jealous over someone before--you're pretty lucky.
[Either that remark or the squeeze to Hierophant pulled a quiet laugh out of him, punctuated by a smile that was trying very hard to be a playfully confident smirk.]
That's dangerous, though. You start giving me permission to do that and I might never let go of you.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2016-07-05 12:41 am (UTC)[That train of thought was put on hold for a moment, in favor of Kakyoin kissing a slow and deliberate line along Jotaro's neck and jawline.]
...I don't always feel like what you probably see me as. So...it means a lot.
no subject
Date: 2016-07-05 02:18 am (UTC)[Translation: feels good, probably.]
Tell me about it? About how you feel. I want to know...if you'll let me.
no subject
Date: 2016-07-05 02:55 am (UTC)[He moved one hand long enough to take off his glasses and set them aside, skimming his fingertips along Jotaro's arm before dropping them back to his side.]
But there are things I can control and things I can't. I don't think I'd call it a sense of self-consciousness in this specific instance...I just worry about you. I worry about what you could be thinking when you look at what's under the shirt I'm wearing--if it's 'I need to protect Kakyoin' or if you're remembering an entire living nightmare, or...anything.
[His arms slipped more securely around Jotaro's waist, possessive in his own way while Hierophant coiled around the arm his user had just trailed his hand over.]
There are those times when I see you watch me like I'm something amazing, and then there are the times when I'm worried the way I look is just...an unpleasant reminder. So I guess that I'm trying to say that the former makes it easier to tell myself how unlikely the latter probably is.
no subject
Date: 2016-07-06 01:43 am (UTC)...I remember that you couldn't scream. Because N'doul would hear it, and it would've given us away. You were that hurt, this hurt...and none of us could make a sound.
[He shifts to the other side, showing the same attention to the other scar.]
I think...for a long time I wanted to protect you because I was scared. Because you've been hurt so much...because there were too many times I couldn't save you. I didn't want anything to happen to you, and I didn't want to have to go through seeing you get hurt again.
But now I think maybe there's a difference. I think what I was thinking then was "I need to protect him". And...you don't need that. You don't need me to do that.
...But I still want to. I think I'll always want to. Because I think I'll always want to protect the people I love. So I don't think I'll ever stop wanting to, because to do that I'd have to stop loving you.
That's what you look like to me. Everything else is just...different shades of that constant.
no subject
Date: 2016-07-06 02:57 am (UTC)I feel the same way. I can take getting a little scratched up, but if anything seriously hurt you I'm not sure how I would even begin to handle it. [What else was I supposed to do, he almost wanted to ask--but it was a pointless question. Even if there had been another way back in a desert winter night, Kakyoin had still chosen what he believed was right. What he was sure would end in the best result for the others' survival.]
[His friends would live--live with that same look of grief and anger Jotaro had given him when he was still new to this city. Holly would still cry the same way she did when she found out. His parents would still be just as devastated. With all they'd already lost, was throwing himself in danger really the only way to prevent anyone else from dying?]
[It wasn't a matter of 'what else was I supposed to do' but 'what am I supposed to do now', wan't it?]
[He really didn't know how long he was stuck on that train of thought before trying to focus again. You don't need me to do that, he said--that was right. Noriaki Kakyoin was not something so easily broken; he could flourish under unbearable pressure just like a forming emerald.]
[But then, didn't the reverse hold just as true?]
You don't need me to protect you either, do you? [The question was rhetorical, paired with a slow and hesitant smile.] None of you really need that, but I'm still going to want to. I love you, so I don't...want to lose you. [So yes--this must have been the same idea. Had their positions been reversed, Kakyoin honestly didn't know if he'd even be capable of keeping his composure when the risk of losing everything again was this present.]
...Yeah. I understand perfectly, Jojo.
no subject
Date: 2016-07-06 03:31 am (UTC)[He smooths his hands down Kakyoin's sides, arching his back a little in appreciation of the forehead to forehead contact.]
But that's what I like about it. It's easy to tell when we changed from playing to...not.
[Still, he tips his chin, catching Kakyoin's lower lip between his teeth and giving a soft tug before releasing it.]
I like when you act as though you'll go crazy if I look at anything but you, too.
no subject
Date: 2016-07-06 03:51 am (UTC)...And who says I'm acting? Maybe I get jealous when something else has your attention sometimes.
no subject
Date: 2016-07-06 04:16 am (UTC)[He breathes out slowly, halfway to a contented sigh in the space left between them after the kiss breaks.]
I bet you're a terror when you're jealous.
no subject
Date: 2016-07-06 04:30 am (UTC)Someone might think I was real trouble, if they knew me well enough.
no subject
Date: 2016-07-07 05:38 pm (UTC)[He gives Hierophant a squeeze.]
Because you can keep on keeping me all to yourself. If you want.
no subject
Date: 2016-07-07 06:00 pm (UTC)[Either that remark or the squeeze to Hierophant pulled a quiet laugh out of him, punctuated by a smile that was trying very hard to be a playfully confident smirk.]
That's dangerous, though. You start giving me permission to do that and I might never let go of you.