[For a few moments he frowns at nothing, his brows drawn sharply together as his fingers knit together in his lap. The inside of his cheek is raw; he's been chewing it without noticing it, he thinks, in that silent and unobservable way that he tries not to do anymore.]
[After a little while, he glances at Kakyoin and then away again. Then back.]
I don't want to rely . . . no, that's not — mm. I don't want, I don't like the way it feels, what he feels. I don't want to rely on . . . something like that. Something that feels weak like that.
[Kakyoin listened quietly, giving Giorno his full attention. He wasn't sure he could fully grasp what he was hearing; in concept it was easy enough to comprehend, but the difficult part was understanding what it would feel like to view one's own Stand that way. With Purple Haze, he'd understood the desire and necessity to keep distance between Stand and user both physically and in the metaphorical way, but here it just didn't make as much sense to him.]
[But that doesn't explain anything, he knows, and grits his teeth in frustration.]
I don't know. I don't know if I can explain it. It just feels wrong. Like everyone can see all the parts of me I don't want seen. What makes me happy, even when it shouldn't, and . . . all the parts of me that are too young and vulnerable and desperate. They shouldn't even exist anymore, much less be seen.
...like they're seeing half of everything you are and everything you've ever been.
[And just like that, it made sense. Like Giorno, Kakyoin carefully built an image for himself--unlike Giorno, he had nothing to lose and everything to gain when that image was broken. Giorno was different--his entire 'self' as the world at large saw it was one he had built from the ashes of a father he'd never known before this and the shadows of a legacy he'd probably never fully been aware of.]
[Giorno had Haruno, and Haruno was a much heavier thing to bear than Tenmei ever had been.]
I'm sorry. I think that...maybe I understand a little now?
I think...and if I'm wrong, tell me so I'm not assuming anything I shouldn't be--I think that everything you are right now is what you choose to be. What you've crafted for yourself. And there's nothing wrong with that, to make myself clear. Everyone does it to some extent.
But I think what Gold Experience is to you might be...'defeating the purpose' is perhaps the phrasing I want. Because Stands are their users' reflections, everything they do and don't want others to see about themselves. You've made yourself into someone really amazing, Giorno...so it makes perfectsense to me that would be the only part of yourself you would want to present to others.
[That's . . . very clever, isn't it. Kakyoin is always so clever. Such a good person to talk to, to clarify things with. Kakyoin is, in his own way, a mirror just like Giorno is.]
[His fingers freeze in the process of pulling out yet another pin. Then, carefully and as though it takes some effort, he exhales, tugs out the pin and holds it and the others cupped in his hands. Stares at them. Nods.]
I wasn't someone amazing before. I don't want people to see that.
[He answered with a small, acknowledging nod of his own, not refusing or judging the concept and instead carefully continuing his line of thought.]
...but we can't help it. Because being a Stand user means having everything about us visible--what we like as well as hate, what we want people to see and what we'd do anything to hide.
[He was sure that Kakyoin would say something to him. Argue with him. No, you are amazing. But Kakyoin isn't like that. He knows . . . Kakyoin is the one who agreed with him, first and foremost. Giorno said he wasn't a good person; Kakyoin acknowledged that that might be the case.]
[Kakyoin never denies him his truths. He only listens, and considers.]
[Sometimes Giorno thinks Kakyoin might be his wisest friend.]
This was selfish of me to say, wasn't it. As if you don't know.
I don't know if it's selfish to admit to what you do or don't want.
[Neither of them were exactly saints when it came down to it. And both of them had someone they would much rather have left behind as a distant memory. It really wasn't rocket science as far as Kakyoin was concerned; you didn't have to be a good person to be kind or morally right when it counted. Giorno was in part like Dio, but he wasn't like Dio. They were in a similar small part Haruno and Tenmei, but they weren't Haruno and Tenmei. There was a clear distinction there, even if it wasn't something he expected most people to properly grasp. Kakyoin wasn't even sure it was something he knew how to fully articulate.]
I can't really picture you--or any of my friends, really--doing something I wouldn't be able to forgive you for.
[And most of them had certainly screwed up in some measure in the time they'd been there. Shockingly enough, the world hadn't even ended.]
...I think you and I are probably a little too hard on ourselves sometimes--and that someone should be willing to forgive us if we can't forgive ourselves. That's...what friends are supposed to be able to do, I think.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2016-07-28 05:57 pm (UTC)[He glances sideways, then averts his eyes again.]
I'm not . . . really sure what the question is. I'm not trying to be avoidant, I just . . . I don't understand.
no subject
Date: 2016-07-28 06:23 pm (UTC)[...]
I mean--I'd like to understand if I can. Because that's important to me, understanding the people I care about. You're important to me.
no subject
Date: 2016-07-28 11:21 pm (UTC)[For a few moments he frowns at nothing, his brows drawn sharply together as his fingers knit together in his lap. The inside of his cheek is raw; he's been chewing it without noticing it, he thinks, in that silent and unobservable way that he tries not to do anymore.]
[After a little while, he glances at Kakyoin and then away again. Then back.]
I don't want to rely . . . no, that's not — mm. I don't want, I don't like the way it feels, what he feels. I don't want to rely on . . . something like that. Something that feels weak like that.
no subject
Date: 2016-07-28 11:29 pm (UTC)[Carefully, he questioned:]
'Something that feels weak like that'...?
no subject
Date: 2016-08-06 06:28 am (UTC)[But that doesn't explain anything, he knows, and grits his teeth in frustration.]
I don't know. I don't know if I can explain it. It just feels wrong. Like everyone can see all the parts of me I don't want seen. What makes me happy, even when it shouldn't, and . . . all the parts of me that are too young and vulnerable and desperate. They shouldn't even exist anymore, much less be seen.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-06 06:33 am (UTC)[And just like that, it made sense. Like Giorno, Kakyoin carefully built an image for himself--unlike Giorno, he had nothing to lose and everything to gain when that image was broken. Giorno was different--his entire 'self' as the world at large saw it was one he had built from the ashes of a father he'd never known before this and the shadows of a legacy he'd probably never fully been aware of.]
[Giorno had Haruno, and Haruno was a much heavier thing to bear than Tenmei ever had been.]
I'm sorry. I think that...maybe I understand a little now?
no subject
Date: 2016-08-07 06:02 am (UTC)[He grits his teeth again, viciously frustrated, and starts pulling pins out of his hair in a frantic attempt to do something.]
Explain it to me, then, because I can't find the words. I can't find the words, Kakyoin, me, and it's making me want to break things.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-07 06:21 am (UTC)But I think what Gold Experience is to you might be...'defeating the purpose' is perhaps the phrasing I want. Because Stands are their users' reflections, everything they do and don't want others to see about themselves. You've made yourself into someone really amazing, Giorno...so it makes perfectsense to me that would be the only part of yourself you would want to present to others.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-21 07:07 am (UTC)[That's . . . very clever, isn't it. Kakyoin is always so clever. Such a good person to talk to, to clarify things with. Kakyoin is, in his own way, a mirror just like Giorno is.]
[His fingers freeze in the process of pulling out yet another pin. Then, carefully and as though it takes some effort, he exhales, tugs out the pin and holds it and the others cupped in his hands. Stares at them. Nods.]
I wasn't someone amazing before. I don't want people to see that.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-21 07:17 am (UTC)...but we can't help it. Because being a Stand user means having everything about us visible--what we like as well as hate, what we want people to see and what we'd do anything to hide.
no subject
Date: 2016-09-01 07:00 am (UTC)[Kakyoin never denies him his truths. He only listens, and considers.]
[Sometimes Giorno thinks Kakyoin might be his wisest friend.]
This was selfish of me to say, wasn't it. As if you don't know.
no subject
Date: 2016-09-01 07:08 am (UTC)[Neither of them were exactly saints when it came down to it. And both of them had someone they would much rather have left behind as a distant memory. It really wasn't rocket science as far as Kakyoin was concerned; you didn't have to be a good person to be kind or morally right when it counted. Giorno was in part like Dio, but he wasn't like Dio. They were in a similar small part Haruno and Tenmei, but they weren't Haruno and Tenmei. There was a clear distinction there, even if it wasn't something he expected most people to properly grasp. Kakyoin wasn't even sure it was something he knew how to fully articulate.]
And even if it was, I'll forgive you for it.
no subject
Date: 2016-09-01 07:13 am (UTC)[He can't help but smile a little wryly at that. Forgiveness is such a strange concept, sometimes. Most of the time.]
Do you forgive me even when I don't forgive myself? Because I don't, you know. Mostly.
no subject
Date: 2016-09-01 07:18 am (UTC)[And most of them had certainly screwed up in some measure in the time they'd been there. Shockingly enough, the world hadn't even ended.]
...I think you and I are probably a little too hard on ourselves sometimes--and that someone should be willing to forgive us if we can't forgive ourselves. That's...what friends are supposed to be able to do, I think.