[It was true, every single word. Hierophant and Star were perfect compliments just like their users, but that was the obvious part. Kakyoin visibly began to turn tense and a little unsettled as Fugo continued on--was this what it felt like when he tried to evaluate someone else based on their Stands?]
['It just feels wrong. Like everyone can see all the parts of me I don't want seen. What makes me happy, even when it shouldn't, and...all the parts of me that are too young and vulnerable and desperate.']
[It was uncomfortable because it was all exactly true, even moving into territory he hadn't even thought relevant. He turned pale at the other's estimation of being distant from others; Hierophant's arms tightened around him as a silent and perhaps unconscious need to remain grounded and aware of the situation rather than sliding into thoughts of loneliness and self-hatred. Whatever the reason for the Stand's motion, its user didn't dare break eye contact with Fugo.]
['Because being a Stand user means having everything about us visible--what we like as well as hate, what we want people to see and what we'd do anything to hide.']
You're...right.
[It wasn't 'Noriaki' that Fugo was describing anymore, though there was no possible way he could have known that.]
...you think that I developed this power because... [The words came out hesitant but not argumentative, Kakyoin himself the picture of one struggling to appear calm despite a shaken foundation.] ...because I was lonely? Because I wanted people to--
[-to understand me, and whatever color was in Kakyoin's face drained out of it. Hierophant was his thoughts, his feelings, his desires. The desires of a child who couldn't be understood, who grew up alone through his own stubborn insistence no matter how much he wanted to connect with and get along with other people. Hierophant was the reflection of a child that just wanted--]
[Let's be friends, Kakyoin.]
[He didn't know if the clear explanation made it better or worse in the long run, but Kakyoin did know he felt like the floor had just been ripped out from under him.]
[It feels strangely awful, watching Kakyoin listen to him think aloud and to hear, at the end of it, you're right. Fugo rarely allows himself to think aloud: he has so many thoughts, not all of them pleasant. Not all of it is new, but this is the first time he's brought together all the bits and pieces of what he's observed and what he's been told about Kakyoin and his Hierophant. Kakyoin looks so pained and pale and, briefly, Fugo wonders if it would have been better to just keep quiet, or if he should have said something else entirely.]
I-- think it's a viable possibility. Given what I've seen and what I've been told about your behavior. [In the end, Fugo is the one to break eye contact before Kakyoin. His hands drop down his lap. Although he tries to keep them still by folding them, he finds himself nervously fiddling with his thumbs. Should he apologize? Kakyoin was worrying so much about overstepping boundaries, but all he did was ask a question.]
[Were Hierophant more of a Stand with its own conscious will, the way it was clinging to Kakyoin might have been seen as a silent apology to its user. But it wasn't, and if it was an apology it was one from Kakyoin to the people he cared about--I'm sorry for the way that I am. For the tone in Polnareff's voice when he'd confessed to having this power, for how he'd kept Jotaro up at night so many times this past week worrying over his stupid fears and nightmares, for whatever actually became of that school nurse and the kid who'd been stabbed with a pen. It had all been his fault, more than Kakyoin had already accepted it was.]
[He took a slow, careful breath to refocus, exactly as Caesar had taught him--god, Caesar didn't know. What would he say, would he look at Kakyoin like he was some kind of monster-]
['Family is first and forever, Noriaki.']
[...What was he thinking? Had he really done anything wrong here? If Fugo was right, then Kakyoin Tenmei and Hierophant Green's only crime was being a child who desperately wanted friends that understood him, and falling in with the wrong one once upon a time in Cairo.]
['You aren't the same as whatever monster is haunting your nightmares, Kakyoin.']
[He'd insisted to himself a thousand times over that the Dio in this city hadn't done anything yet. That he wasn't the same as that nightmare for it, and maybe he wouldn't be if he were given a chance--it wasn't his fault and he shouldn't be held accountable for it.]
[It wasn't his fault.]
['You've never used your Stand to hurt anyone who wasn't already trying to hurt you. I know you haven't, and I know you won't.']
['Evil is when you use the weak for your own gain and crush them under your foot', right? He still remembered that vividly in the blank spaces that were the months up to that day, and it was no less true now. Fugo was right about another thing--he was afraid of that power. That was 'evil' by definition. Kakyoin hadn't used it to take over anyone else's mind, and he never would again for exactly that reason.]
I- [He realized the silence had stretched on a little too long, and lowered a hand that had started mindlessly twisting in his hair at some point.] ...wanted friends. You're exactly right--I was never able to close that distance when I was a child, because no one fit what I saw as the criteria required for a person to understand me. Whenever we may have developed this ability in response to that--which I don't doubt may well have been the case--I never knew about it until I'd been mind controlled myself.
[And yet here he was now; in a house full of his dearest friends and people he called 'family'. People who finally saw Kakyoin for the person he and Hierophant were together, and knew that was someone worth caring about.]
['You don't have to earn that. You don't have to fight to keep it. It's already yours, no matter what.']
[He wondered what that lonely child would have thought, to know this would be his future.]
...damn, if this is what it feels like to have someone evaluate you based on your Stand then I need to be a little more careful. I never realized how strange it really felt to have someone else look at Hierophant similar to the way I do. [A small, awkward smile broke out across his face, silently assuring Fugo that he hadn't gone too far or crossed any line.]
[Kakyoin is quiet for a long time. Longer than he should be, even given what they're talking about. Fugo furtively looks up at him, around his bangs, and bites the inside of his lip. Kakyoin is staring without seeing at an empty spot on the table, eyes wide and dazed; his long fingers are twisted in his hair, just as tangled as his own thoughts and feelings must be. Hierophant is clinging tightly to his shoulders, as if that's the only thing keeping him grounded. He looks overwhelmed. Lost, in the past. Briefly, Fugo wonders: is this what it looks like? Is this what Giorno saw across the table in November and standing in front of mansion at the end of June? He knows, too well, what it's like to suddenly feel unsteady in the face overwhelmingly strong emotions. But what he doesn't know is what to do when it's someone else who stumbles, even more since it's not Giorno.
What should he do? Does he call out for Kakyoin? Or would it be better to get someone Kakyoin trusts, someone who can reach out to him and who he can lean on? Fugo is close to rising to his feet to just that when something in Kakyoin's eyes snaps back to the present, he begins to speak, and his hand slowly drops from his hair. Lines of tension in Fugo's shoulders that he didn't even realize had bunched up abruptly relax; his hands, tightly folded in his lap, loosen enough so that they're no longer white-knuckled. He listens carefully, still obviously and plainly worried, and manages one of his strange, nervous-looking smiles in response to his attempt at... humor? Lightening the mood?]
Sorry. I suppose I had more than a few thoughts, in hindsight. [He pauses, eyes shifting restlessly and thumbs twiddling nervously, before carefully venturing:] Are... you going to be all right?
You don't have to apologize. I should have given you a chance to-- [He cuts himself, pressing his lips together, before sighing.] I don't know, have some space to think. Instead of just rambling on like that.
[It's kind of late, so he didn't stop to think. He might be a little tired, because insomnia is actually the worst.]
Thanks? I just think too much. [All the time. About everything.]
It can be. [He can admit to that much, at least. Because for as much as it bogs him down, from day-to-day life to decisions that change his life, there are just as many times when it's provided valuable insight. There's a phrase in English, he thinks, that describes something that's both a benefit and a detriment, but it's not coming to mind right now.] But I'm relieved to hear that, tonight at least, it was helpful to you.
[Despite his too-long moment of shutting down, in a way, Kakyoin already seems a little more sure of himself. As if he's finally set his hands on something he was looking for, after stumbling around in the dark with his eyes closed.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2016-08-27 10:24 pm (UTC)[It was true, every single word. Hierophant and Star were perfect compliments just like their users, but that was the obvious part. Kakyoin visibly began to turn tense and a little unsettled as Fugo continued on--was this what it felt like when he tried to evaluate someone else based on their Stands?]
['It just feels wrong. Like everyone can see all the parts of me I don't want seen. What makes me happy, even when it shouldn't, and...all the parts of me that are too young and vulnerable and desperate.']
[It was uncomfortable because it was all exactly true, even moving into territory he hadn't even thought relevant. He turned pale at the other's estimation of being distant from others; Hierophant's arms tightened around him as a silent and perhaps unconscious need to remain grounded and aware of the situation rather than sliding into thoughts of loneliness and self-hatred. Whatever the reason for the Stand's motion, its user didn't dare break eye contact with Fugo.]
['Because being a Stand user means having everything about us visible--what we like as well as hate, what we want people to see and what we'd do anything to hide.']
You're...right.
[It wasn't 'Noriaki' that Fugo was describing anymore, though there was no possible way he could have known that.]
...you think that I developed this power because... [The words came out hesitant but not argumentative, Kakyoin himself the picture of one struggling to appear calm despite a shaken foundation.] ...because I was lonely? Because I wanted people to--
[-to understand me, and whatever color was in Kakyoin's face drained out of it. Hierophant was his thoughts, his feelings, his desires. The desires of a child who couldn't be understood, who grew up alone through his own stubborn insistence no matter how much he wanted to connect with and get along with other people. Hierophant was the reflection of a child that just wanted--]
[Let's be friends, Kakyoin.]
[He didn't know if the clear explanation made it better or worse in the long run, but Kakyoin did know he felt like the floor had just been ripped out from under him.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-28 02:50 pm (UTC)I-- think it's a viable possibility. Given what I've seen and what I've been told about your behavior. [In the end, Fugo is the one to break eye contact before Kakyoin. His hands drop down his lap. Although he tries to keep them still by folding them, he finds himself nervously fiddling with his thumbs. Should he apologize? Kakyoin was worrying so much about overstepping boundaries, but all he did was ask a question.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-28 05:26 pm (UTC)[He took a slow, careful breath to refocus, exactly as Caesar had taught him--god, Caesar didn't know. What would he say, would he look at Kakyoin like he was some kind of monster-]
['Family is first and forever, Noriaki.']
[...What was he thinking? Had he really done anything wrong here? If Fugo was right, then Kakyoin Tenmei and Hierophant Green's only crime was being a child who desperately wanted friends that understood him, and falling in with the wrong one once upon a time in Cairo.]
['You aren't the same as whatever monster is haunting your nightmares, Kakyoin.']
[He'd insisted to himself a thousand times over that the Dio in this city hadn't done anything yet. That he wasn't the same as that nightmare for it, and maybe he wouldn't be if he were given a chance--it wasn't his fault and he shouldn't be held accountable for it.]
[It wasn't his fault.]
['You've never used your Stand to hurt anyone who wasn't already trying to hurt you. I know you haven't, and I know you won't.']
['Evil is when you use the weak for your own gain and crush them under your foot', right? He still remembered that vividly in the blank spaces that were the months up to that day, and it was no less true now. Fugo was right about another thing--he was afraid of that power. That was 'evil' by definition. Kakyoin hadn't used it to take over anyone else's mind, and he never would again for exactly that reason.]
I- [He realized the silence had stretched on a little too long, and lowered a hand that had started mindlessly twisting in his hair at some point.] ...wanted friends. You're exactly right--I was never able to close that distance when I was a child, because no one fit what I saw as the criteria required for a person to understand me. Whenever we may have developed this ability in response to that--which I don't doubt may well have been the case--I never knew about it until I'd been mind controlled myself.
[And yet here he was now; in a house full of his dearest friends and people he called 'family'. People who finally saw Kakyoin for the person he and Hierophant were together, and knew that was someone worth caring about.]
['You don't have to earn that. You don't have to fight to keep it. It's already yours, no matter what.']
[He wondered what that lonely child would have thought, to know this would be his future.]
...damn, if this is what it feels like to have someone evaluate you based on your Stand then I need to be a little more careful. I never realized how strange it really felt to have someone else look at Hierophant similar to the way I do. [A small, awkward smile broke out across his face, silently assuring Fugo that he hadn't gone too far or crossed any line.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-29 12:44 am (UTC)What should he do? Does he call out for Kakyoin? Or would it be better to get someone Kakyoin trusts, someone who can reach out to him and who he can lean on? Fugo is close to rising to his feet to just that when something in Kakyoin's eyes snaps back to the present, he begins to speak, and his hand slowly drops from his hair. Lines of tension in Fugo's shoulders that he didn't even realize had bunched up abruptly relax; his hands, tightly folded in his lap, loosen enough so that they're no longer white-knuckled. He listens carefully, still obviously and plainly worried, and manages one of his strange, nervous-looking smiles in response to his attempt at... humor? Lightening the mood?]
Sorry. I suppose I had more than a few thoughts, in hindsight. [He pauses, eyes shifting restlessly and thumbs twiddling nervously, before carefully venturing:] Are... you going to be all right?
no subject
Date: 2016-08-29 12:53 am (UTC)[The awkward atmosphere was pretty obvious once he'd snapped out of his own thoughts, and he made an attempt to laugh it off quietly.]
Your talent for insight really is something impressive, Fugo. It caught me off guard for a minute or two.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-29 01:01 am (UTC)[It's kind of late, so he didn't stop to think. He might be a little tired, because insomnia is actually the worst.]
Thanks? I just think too much. [All the time. About everything.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-29 01:09 am (UTC)I find 'thinking too much' can be a valuable thing in its own way.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-29 06:06 pm (UTC)[Despite his too-long moment of shutting down, in a way, Kakyoin already seems a little more sure of himself. As if he's finally set his hands on something he was looking for, after stumbling around in the dark with his eyes closed.]