[Diarmuid tends to use humor to lighten a serious situation, but after a certain point, he knows it is better to just get to the point. He is very familiar with that tone of voice, having used it more than once himself.]
I suspected when the Leviathan disappeared from the city as it did, but I was only able to confirm it today. I thought about mentioning it to you before, but I really wanted to be sure first. [He would have felt terrible to upset the teen unnecessarily.]
[It was good that he hadn't pushed the issue; even if Kakyoin had wanted to drink, he'd gone to the clinic for the specific purpose of taking painkillers. And the reason for that was a whole issue he did not want to get into.]
Wh...
[He'd just spoken to Atien. Found him reasonably pleasant, even. But if what Diarmuid was saying really was the case, this was worse than Kakyoin had thought. Much, much worse, even considering all he already knew. If the Watcher and Interloper had been vampires, anything that could get rid of them was already just a little concerning. But the implications of this struck him like...well, like a punch to the stomach.]
[If one overseer had that power, then what would happen if he decided to fight the city's inhabitants? More than that, what could all of the others do?]
[Every last bit of color that was in Kakyoin's face left it, and he stood up from his chair on unreasonably steady legs. He should have been shaking. He should have been--no, he was terrified. The larger implications of this information left him feeling like it was one city with fourteen (fifteen, he reminded himself) people as strong as Dio, if not more so.]
[...And he was the only Stand user. Alone.]
Thank you...for telling me. [His words were strained and halting, sunglasses quickly raised to cover his eyes. He had to breathe. had to focus, had to...something, he didn't even know.]
I think I'll...just be outside, if you...need anything.
[Shit. Shit. It wouldn't be this easy. Diarmuid wasn't going to just let him walk away, but what else was there to say? He couldn't understand, no one could.]
[The tone should sound familiar considering Kakyoin just used it on him. Diarmuid doesn't do more than glance over at Kakyoin for a moment before tipping his glass to his lips and taking a drink from it. This...isn't going to be fun. Ever since the teen arrived, Diarmuid has gotten the impression he is far too...happy to do things alone. However, here that is not something that can be allowed. One person alone can't do anything in this city.
Plus, Kakyoin has a school full of friends ready to help him. And every one of them will be hurt if he decides he has to do anything all by himself.]
You're in no shape to go anywhere, let along climbing up to the roof like you tend to do when you want to be alone to think. I'm not going to make you tell me anything, but I am not going to let you go out and do something stupid either. [He finally looks over to meet Kakyoin's eyes, expression hard and suddenly very warrior-like.]
I was the leader of a group of Ireland's greatest heroes a while. Don't challenge me on this. I put men with abilities crazier than yours on their asses when they wouldn't listen and I will do the same to you, Stand or no.
[Diarmuid releases Kakyoin's gaze then, leaning back in his chair and finishing his drink.]
You aren't alone here and insisting you are only insults the rest of us. You aren't the only one who has been through crazy things. Believe me.
[Kakyoin didn't sit down, but he also didn't leave. He repeated the words with a disbelieving tone, like he was completely astounded by what he was hearing.]
Don't you get it?! Of course I'm alone! Even if the rest of you have been through things I can't imagine...that's just it. I can't imagine it. The reverse is just as true. You don't understand, you can never understand what we were going through together!
[it was frustration rather than any legitimate rage in Kakyoin's voice; obviously this wasn't Diarmuid's fault and he knew that, but...this was just the last straw on a situation that was too much. He wasn't like Jotaro, he couldn't take control of a situation like this.]
I appreciate everything you've done--don't misunderstand and think that I simply don't care, but I can't rely on people who aren't Stand users!
[And there it was.]
[Even if everyone could see Hierophant...even if they could understand 'Kakyoin Noriaki' in doing so, they could never be like him. No one here could be someone he trusted without question, because they weren't like him. hadnlt that been the case since he was a child?]
[I'm different from other people.]
[Because he had Hierophant. Because he'd been through things no one else here had. That was why he had to be alone.]
[Diarmuid's eyes snap back to Kakyoin's face. There is still a hard edge in them, but there is also something softer there now.]
Where in the dictionary does it say that just because someone can't understand completely what others have been through means they still can't work together? Where does it say they still can't be friends? [His glass settles onto the table with a click and then Diarmuid stands up, palms of his hands coming to rest on the table so he can lean forward over it toward Kakyoin.]
When I was a child, the man who was responsible for my birth murdered my half brother in front of me. I was six. It broke my young mind and if my father hadn't wiped the memory of that night from my mind, I would have gone crazy from the shock. Do I expect you to understand that? Of course not, but that doesn't mean you and your experiences can't help me toward understanding this place. It doesn't mean I have to face everything alone. [Diarmuid's eyes narrow.]
And it doesn't mean that I think any friends I make here are trying to take the place of those I have left behind. The friends from your world will always understand you better than we will because they share abilities with you. Along those same lines, I will always be able to understand any Servant or Master who comes to this place better than you. Don't you see that is exactly why we have to work together? My experiences will help those who know nothing about Servants or Master have a chance to understand them better. Not completely, but better. The same holds true for you and any Stand users who come to the city. Who else would we be able to turn to to help us deal with that man should he ever arrive here? [The hard edge suddenly falls from Diarmuid's expression completely and his expression suddenly becomes soft and open.]
Kakyoin, none of us are ever going to be them. We don't want to be. They are your friends in a way we can't copy. Instead, we want to become friends with you in a way only we can--as fellow captives in this city. As people who are trying to figure this place and its overseers out. That is our common link. Not Stand usage. Not being people with special abilities. Not people who have died and been given life again in this strange place.
We are all captives. We are all fighting for our friends and our chance to go home. This is our link. And this is why you do not have to be alone.
[Kakyoin faltered again, taking half a step back and looking away. What Diarmuid was saying seemed to defuse him to a point; the frustration was still here, but he'd gone quiet as he tried to return to his calm and logical self.]
[It didn't really work. Even though he understood what he was hearing, and had to agree there was solid reason to it...even Kakyoin was having trouble processing it.]
I can't-...
[He was...still such a useless coward. Even after all of this, he couldn't change from the weak Kakyoin that gave in to fear months before; the deep sense of shame and self-loathing he felt upon realizing that simply couldn't be measured.]
...if he does arrive here, there's nothing that any of us can do. [The only thing he could focus on was the statement that left a cold chill running down his spine. Come to him for help? That was so sad it was almost funny.] we've already lost so much, I don't even know how the friends I have left can defeat him. And if he does end up trapped here, then that will only be confirmation that the people in control of this place simply can't be stopped.
[Kakyoin refused to look at Diarmuid directly, one hand tightly gripping the fabric of his uniform--near his stomach. His voice had turned unsteady, strained by all the pressure he hadn't let on about until right now.]
I can't...do this, Diarmuid. I'm not--I'm not like my friends, like Jotaro and the others.I thought I'd grown past this, I-I swore I'd never lose again, not to my fear or to anyone else, and I still--!
Want to run? Want to hide? Of course, you feel that way. You are young and you are facing things that even those who are technically immortal have cause to fear. [Fear is a natural reaction. Why do so many hold it against themselves when they feel it?]
Being afraid means you understand the nature of exactly what you are facing. Even I would be afraid to face this man. I have a feeling your friends are probably afraid too, but like you they likely don't want to show it in front of those who are depending on them.
[Diarmuid sighs, running a hand through his hair.]
Kakyoin, it's all right if you aren't them. You don't have to be. All you have to be is you. Use your skills to the best. No battle is won without information being gathered for those fighting. That is what you excel at and I know I would rather have you at my back in a battle than I would many others. [Had they not proven how well they could work together during the Wendigo hunt?]
Who knows? Maybe we can't win or maybe Fate will favor us and we will. Didn't I tell you to keep faith in your friends before? If they found a way to stop him after the clues you left them, then we could do the same if need be. In fact, we are steps ahead because we have you hear to tell us the secret of his power.
Please...stop underestimating yourself. You are a lot stronger and skilled than you think.
[He shook his head, adjusting his sunglasses with the hand that didn't have a deathgrip on his uniform. Was he imagining the pain in his stomach? Kakyoin honestly hoped so, but he still doubted that was the case.]
Don't give me the whole 'fear is only natural' philosophy, I don't want to hear it. All I have to be is myself? You don't even know who that is!
[For Kakyoin, those two lines of thought were very closely tied together. No one knew the kind of weakness that had led Kakyoin to meet his friends in the first place--he hadn't even told any of them the details of it. Only two people knew the kind of sickening fear that Kakyoin had given into, and one was an immortal vampire back in Egypt.]
You don't have any idea the kind of trouble that fear's gotten me into. Don't trust your back to someone like me, least of all against...against all of this.
[By now, Hierophant had started to respond to its user's agitation. It didn't attack or even present a threat, but as Kakyoin seemed so intent on drawing back as much as physically possible, a thin coil wrapped around his arms and over his shoulders like a particularly long and comforting scarf.]
...I'm a coward. I'm still...just a coward, and that's exactly what got me into all of this.
Forgive me if I don't take the advice of one who claims to not know himself. [There could be malice in those words or even mocking, but neither emotion is present. Instead, Diarmuid's tone is even as if he is just stating a fact instead of making a judgment. However, instead of saying more, Diarmuid just finds himself frowning slightly, especially when he notices Hierophant Green's appearance. He doesn't like that he is upsetting Kakyoin this much, but if the boy doesn't face this, what will he do?
Keep running forever?]
You're right. I don't know the kind of trouble that fear has gotten you into because you haven't told me, but I do know this: Running from that fear means you are going to stay the thing you hate so much. Unless you accept it, you will never stop being a coward. The brave look at their failures and swear they will not repeat them, and then, even if they do, they do not give up, but swear anew and step forward again.
If being a coward got you here, then decide to stop being one so you can find out way out again. Seeing things that others cannot is one of your strengths. Use that strength not to look outside of yourself for once, but to look inside of yourself.
Aren't you the one who told me your Stand is your soul? So look at your soul, Kakyoin, really look at it. Feel it as it reaches out to comfort you right now. Has it ever failed you when you were in need? Has it ever not been there? There is more to your soul than you are letting yourself see. Don't do yourself such disservice.
I already-...I tried that, Diarmuid. I swore I'd never lose again, that I'd face what I was once so terrified of, and he killed me for it. Now I'm faced with something exponentially worse, and you honestly think there's anything any of us can do against that?
[But he took a deep breath to steady himself, hand lowering to rest on his Stand. Hierophant had been there for as long as he could remember. Even when he was alone, even in the most hopeless and desperate fights, there was this one constant he could rely on.The others had said that a Stand was powered by one's fighting spirit--their own willpower. So...was it really hopeless? Or was Kakyoin just letting himself think it was, even when his truest reflection knew better?]
[One thing was for sure--this conversation was going nowhere. He was going to have to come clean, at least to a point. But could he, really? Was it possible he could let himself truly rely on people that just weren't like him?]
...I'm...sorry. There's a lot that I haven't told you--that I haven't told anyone.I'm not used to this kind of thing, so...
[Hesitantly, he took his hand off of Hierophant and pulled off his sunglasses.]
Will you let me try to be a little more forthcoming with information? So you can understand what I mean when I say 'I can't give in to fear'.
Honestly? I don't know, but that doesn't mean I am going to give up before I even try, because if I do? It means that there really is no hope and it is not in my nature to accept that a situation is hopeless. Not when my father taught me that as long as I never give up and keep fighting for what I want, someday I will accomplish it.
[Diarmuid settles back into his chair, hands wrapping around his glass, though he doesn't refill it. Again, much like when they had been discussing the Overseers, he simply needs something to do with his hands.]
I would very much like to hear whatever you would like to tell me. There is so much that we don't know about each other and the things I am saying I can only say based on my own experiences which differ wildly from yours.
However, there is one thing I must ask of you before you start. You do realize that accepting your fear is much different than giving into it, right? In fact, they are mutually exclusive. Accepting your fear means that you understand it and accept it as part of you. You control it and use it to strengthen yourself. You do not let it control you. Only if you let it control you, do you give into it. That is when it changes from a strengthening agent, to a weakening one.
... [Kakyoin didn't have much of a frame of reference for these things; most of his life it had been only himself and Hierophant. because he couldn't relate to people without Stands, he'd never tried to befriend them. So his understanding of matters involving emotion and basically anything that couldn't be dissected logically was...a bit lacking.]
Just...let me talk, for a minute. We can revisit that concept in just a moment.
[Best to set it aside for now; he could at least give the idea context before properly approaching it.]
A while before all of this happened, my parents and I were on vacation in Egypt. That's...where I met him for the first time. Dio was practically collecting Stand users in the form of followers, like he was trying to build a small army. Most of them were people cruel enough or blinded by some sick devotion to follow him, but that wasn't his only method of gaining allies.
[Taking a deep breath, Kakyoin slowly took a seat and began to say what he'd never admitted to anyone.]
I was terrified of him--I knew he was going to kill me as easily as someone can crush an ant and with just as much thought for the action.
I couldn't fight, I couldn't even move. Instead of killing me, he implanted something in my head that made me little more than his own personal chess piece.
I gave in to my fear, and instead of fighting back with everything that I had...I spent three months as Dio's puppet.
Do you understand what I'm saying, Diarmuid? Because I was afraid, because I was a coward who only cared for surviving, I almost killed someone just because I was ordered to. My concern for my own life lost me my pride, my dignity, and control of my mind all in one second.
[As emotional as Diarmuid can be, he does understand that sometimes talking to get the emotion out of the way is necessary whether the person realizes that is what they are doing or not. Besides, as he said, the more he knows, the easier it will be for him to try to help, so he listens closely as Kakyoin speaks. However, as the story comes out, it is obvious that while Kakyoin may be getting emotion out, Diarmuid is actually building emotion.
Anger. Not at the teen, naturally, but at the man who put him through so much at such a young age.
His hands tighten around the glass he is holding and, if Kakyoin is not too caught up in his story, he will notice it begin to crack. It is literally split seconds from shattering when Diarmuid realizes what he is doing and releases his hold on it. It is a good thing that the glass is empty, though, since as soon as nothing is holding it together, several pieces fall out to land beside it on the table.
Diarmuid draws a breath in and then slowly lets it out, putting a firm grip on his anger. He then stands and moves to sit next to Kakyoin, one of his hands lifting to rest on the teen's arm. That hand--shaking slightly--along with Diarmuid's eyes, show barely restrained anger, but it is clear from his voice, none of that anger is directed at Kakyoin himself.
No, it is all saved for Dio.]
When I saw the man who I will never call father kill my half brother, I froze in fear too. Would he attack my father next? The man who would become my lord? Me? When faced with life or death situations for the first time, freezing and being overwhelmed with fear is a natural reaction. Especially when you are young. You were a boy on vacation with your family. You never expected something like that to happen, just like I never expected a simple visitation to turn to murder.
[They aren't the same thing and Diarmuid knows they aren't. However, it is the closest he can come to understanding and so he tries.]
I won't tell you that it is wrong to be upset with yourself for giving in. Maybe in another world or at another time you might have done differently, but that can't changed now. What you need to do is focus on leaving that behind you because if you don't--if you don't learn to control that fear and use it--then it will be as if he is still controlling you even now.
[Still coiled around its user's arms, Hierophant shrank back slightly. While neither of them were afraid of Diarmuid by any stretch of the imagination, Kakyoin had clearly picked up on the underlying emotion whether he'd seen the glass break or not.]
I don't...know how. [The admission was quiet and hesitant, miles from the proud, confident demeanor he so often carried himself with.]
I thought the only way to overcome my fear and self-loathing was to confront it head-on. To...resolve to leave that weak, pathetic Kakyoin behind and become someone that could stand with the friends that saved me from all of that.
[Kakyoin hesitated, gripping the fabric of his uniform again.]
I couldn't do it. Even if I faced him without fear for my own life, it wasn't enough. Because now I'm just...terrified, all over again. I don't know how to control my fear, I can't even move past it.
I don't....I don't know what to do, Diarmuid. I can't do anything on my own.
[When Diarmuid notices the Stand draw back, he closes his eyes a moment, an embarrassed look driving away the anger for now.]
Sorry. I...don't react well to those who use their power and influence to hurt others like he hurt you.
[And that is an understatement. What he would really like to do is get his hands on Dio and rip him to small bits, ability to stop time or not.]
It's okay if you don't know how, though. [After taking a deep breath, Diarmuid opens his eyes again and gives Kakyoin's arm a gentle squeeze.]
That is where the rest of us come in. We can help you learn, but you have to let us try. We won't always be right and there are times when the fear will come back no matter what you do. That is because you can never really be rid of your fear. It is part of you which is why before you can make any process you have to accept it.
[Diarmuid gives Kakyoin a confident and welcoming look.]
You have leaned on yourself for a long time. For now, lean on us and realize it is okay if you can't do things on your own because you don't need to. Your friends from home are ever in your heart and the rest of us are here beside you. You are never truly alone.
[He didn't answer for a long time, and he didn't meet Diarmuid's gaze either. Kakyoin fell completely silent as he thought this over, and yet the most prevalent issue in his mind was what's going to happen if I go back to Egypt?]
[Even if they got his message and knew how Dio's Stand worked, what could they do? How could they fight stopped time? How could anyone here do it?]
[...No. Wait. Wait, it wasn't that hopeless at all. If someone here--someone who wasn't actively trying to kill them--could stop time, then this was perfect. They could learn about how an ability like that worked...and learn how to counter it. And if Kakyoin could get information like that and if he could find a way back that didn't mean his instant death? Everything would be fine. They could fight him together, they could go home together.]
...They were...the first friends I ever had.
[Another quiet admission, this time coupled with he unsaid statement of so I have to fight for them. Gradually, Kakyoin regained his composure and began to properly steady himself for the first time in this entire conversation. Taking a deep breath, the teenager continued in a voice that was much more like his usual calm self.]
I've always been alone, because...I'm different from other people. Others couldn't see my Hierophant, so they could never understand me. The day I was sent to kill Kujo Jotaro was the day I met people who could see both 'Hierophant Green' and 'Kakyoin Noriaki' for what we truly are. For the first time, I had people I could share a common goal with and rely on.
I think...I'm beginning to understand my own error in judgment. I'm sorry that I haven't been entirely truthful with any of you, and that I've gone out of my way to hide as much as I possibly could. Knowing that I've failed to trust any of you, despite all that you've done, I'll ask for your forgiveness. It's not your fault, rather that I'm just...accustomed to being alone. That I don't know how to trust people who aren't the friends that saved my life. But I want to work with the rest of you and find a way out of this city, a way where I don't-...where none of us have to suffer.
[He paused and finally looked up, meeting Diarmuid's eyes with the look of a lost and uncertain teenager, rather than a hardened battle tactician.]
So is it...acceptable, if I try again?
Edited (EDITED TO HURT EVEN MORE) Date: 2015-07-25 10:27 pm (UTC)
All worlds, it seems, are hard on those who are different. They like making them feel alone, even when they are standing in a crowd. That is why it feels so good and so right when those who are different finally find a group of friends to belong to. [Unspoken are the words so fight with all you are and all you will ever be for them.]
Please, don't worry about asking for forgiveness, though. You have done nothing to ask forgiveness about. We all have secrets and stories we have not told each other. This place doesn't always give us the time to tell them, even when we may want to.
[When Kakyoin gives him that look, Diarmuid leans to the side, nudging the teen gently with his shoulder.]
And of course you can try again. You can try over and over and over as many times as you need to. Tries are limited only by your own will to keep going.
[Diarmuid settles back in his chair, crossing his arms back behind his head and gazing out over the table at nothing in particular. As he talks, his expression grows soft and distant.]
Only a few people here know that I have a curse on my face. This place lessened its power when I was brought here, but the curse is still there. Fortunately, few have actually been affected by it.
[His eyes move to Kakyoin for a moment.]
I was around your age when a spirit of love and beauty cursed me so that any woman who saw my face fell in love with me. After that time, no matter what I did with my own skill and ability, everyone just assumed I got it...other ways.
[He's a good looking man with a love curse on his face. You figure out what those 'other ways' probably were, Kakyoin.]
People stopped seeing me and only saw the curse. It left me alone even though, as a knight, there were always people around me. It's why I am afraid of being left alone even to this day...
I was...the same way, my whole life. Surrounded by people but left on my own. I can't call my Stand a curse, I would never do that, but I think maybe I can at least start to understand what you mean.
It's not the kind of thing I'd wish on anyone, least of all someone like yourself. You're a kind and respectable person, Diarmuid--you helped me when I absolutely needed someone, just like...
[Notably calmer but fidgeting slightly, Kakyoin curled the end of his hair around one finger. It was weird, to be this open with anyone. More so with someone that was neither part of their travel group nor a Stand user.But even though it was strange, it was...kind of nice.]
Edited (punctuation gets me every time dammit) Date: 2015-07-26 01:40 am (UTC)
...That thing Dio implanted would have killed me, and it almost killed him trying to take it out. Jotaro didn't...he didn't have to save me that day, not after the trouble I caused. He didn't even know me, but he saved my life without a second thought for his own. And he never told me why--
[Kakyoin stopped abruptly, not out of reluctance but because his voice had nearly broken midsentence. After everything that had happened in Egypt, in this city, and right now...more than ever, it was hard to maintain composure.]
...I don't remember...what the last thing I said to him was. I don't remember the last thing I said to Avdol and Iggy before they died, or to Polnareff and Jotaro before we all split up.
I never told any of them...how important they are to me.
The two experiences are different, but there are still threads of similarity in them. It's enough. [Diarmuid leans back over the table, resting his head in his hand. It's tempting to reach out and bat at the strand of hair that Kakyoin is playing with as so many people do to his own dangling bang, but for now he resists.]
Unfortunately, being kind and helpful doesn't stop bad things from happening to people, but I don't let it bother me and you shouldn't either. It is better to focus on helping people when there are bad things happening to them. That way, you are repaying the help you were given.
[When he sees how hard it is getting for Kakyoin to keep his composure again, Diarmuid reaches out to the teen and puts his hand back on his arm. A reminder he's not alone.]
I don't know Jotaro, but have you ever considered there wasn't a why? That he did it because he wanted to? Sometimes, people don't do things for a reason other than they want to. I do things all the time for that reason. I know it's kind of an old-fashioned attitude, but there doesn't always have to be a why.
The last words I exchanged with my wife before I died involved us arguing over which weapons I should take with me to the hunt, and I don't remember the last things I said to my children. Sadly, death doesn't care what you have or haven't said to someone. The best we can do now is make sure we tell people we care about here that we care about them and if any of your friends do arrive?
[He tilts his head slightly to catch Kakyoin's eyes.]
Make sure you take the time to tell them all that you didn't. We are going to fight to get you back home in a way that will allow you to avoid dying, but even so, you should not allow any opportunity to pass you by.
...You're right. I'll...if any of them do show up here, I'll be sure to tell them.
[Kakyoin offered a hesitant smile in response, like he was trying to figure out how to respond in a completely unfamiliar situation. It was surreal to actually discuss things like this at length; things he hadn't even shared with his closest friends. There hadn't really been time or opportunity for it--as long as the journey had felt, it had only lasted fifty days.]
That idiot--it'd be just like him to do something for no real reason. [Shaking his head, Kakyoin laughed to himself.] I do hesitate to say that I want any of them stuck here as well, but I think you'd fit in well with us.
[Which, coming from Noriaki 'I don't trust non-Stand users' Kakyoin, was quite the statement.]
Good. [And it is then that Diarmuid loses his battle with resisting batting at that...noodle that his hanging down in Kakyoin's face and bats at it.
Sorry, Kakyoin...]
I would be honored if you would introduce me to them. I think I would like them. If what you say is true, Jotaro sounds a lot like my best friend from back home. I called him an idiot so much for the things he did without a real reason that it might has well have been his middle name.
[Oscar and Jotaro in the same room together. The world just might end...]
[He seemed startled, but not really offended--he lightly shoved Diarmuid's hand away and tried to focus on the subject at hand.]
Jojo's kind of abrasive, to say the least. But he's not as uncaring as he likes to act. [Beat.] ...Actually, now that I think about it I guess our whole group was just a little weird.
[Diarmuid laughs and then settles back in his seat again.]
Sorry. People do it to me all the time and I just wondered why...
That actually describes my friend Oscar perfectly. It's not his fault, but he grew up basically with the expectation he would be a heartless warrior and so that is what he showed everyone. Everyone but me, that is. I knew the 'real' Oscar.
[And Diarmuid still wonders what happened to the 'real' Oscar after he lost the only person who he ever let see him.]
There is nothing wrong with weird, though. Weird people make the most interesting friends.
[Kakyoin leaned his head on his hand, distantly thoughtful for a second.]
Polnareff's a little strange, too--he makes stupid jokes all the time and almost never takes anything seriously, but that's kind of refreshing in such difficult situations. Jotaro's grandfather Joseph is kind of the same way, but at least he has a good amount of sense when it matters.
...They're...yeah. 'Interesting' is definitely the word I'd use.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2015-07-24 10:29 pm (UTC)[Diarmuid tends to use humor to lighten a serious situation, but after a certain point, he knows it is better to just get to the point. He is very familiar with that tone of voice, having used it more than once himself.]
I suspected when the Leviathan disappeared from the city as it did, but I was only able to confirm it today. I thought about mentioning it to you before, but I really wanted to be sure first.
[He would have felt terrible to upset the teen unnecessarily.]
no subject
Date: 2015-07-24 10:39 pm (UTC)Wh...
[He'd just spoken to Atien. Found him reasonably pleasant, even. But if what Diarmuid was saying really was the case, this was worse than Kakyoin had thought. Much, much worse, even considering all he already knew. If the Watcher and Interloper had been vampires, anything that could get rid of them was already just a little concerning. But the implications of this struck him like...well, like a punch to the stomach.]
[If one overseer had that power, then what would happen if he decided to fight the city's inhabitants? More than that, what could all of the others do?]
[Every last bit of color that was in Kakyoin's face left it, and he stood up from his chair on unreasonably steady legs. He should have been shaking. He should have been--no, he was terrified. The larger implications of this information left him feeling like it was one city with fourteen (fifteen, he reminded himself) people as strong as Dio, if not more so.]
[...And he was the only Stand user. Alone.]
Thank you...for telling me. [His words were strained and halting, sunglasses quickly raised to cover his eyes. He had to breathe. had to focus, had to...something, he didn't even know.]
I think I'll...just be outside, if you...need anything.
[Shit. Shit. It wouldn't be this easy. Diarmuid wasn't going to just let him walk away, but what else was there to say? He couldn't understand, no one could.]
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Date: 2015-07-24 10:59 pm (UTC)[The tone should sound familiar considering Kakyoin just used it on him. Diarmuid doesn't do more than glance over at Kakyoin for a moment before tipping his glass to his lips and taking a drink from it. This...isn't going to be fun. Ever since the teen arrived, Diarmuid has gotten the impression he is far too...happy to do things alone. However, here that is not something that can be allowed. One person alone can't do anything in this city.
Plus, Kakyoin has a school full of friends ready to help him. And every one of them will be hurt if he decides he has to do anything all by himself.]
You're in no shape to go anywhere, let along climbing up to the roof like you tend to do when you want to be alone to think. I'm not going to make you tell me anything, but I am not going to let you go out and do something stupid either.
[He finally looks over to meet Kakyoin's eyes, expression hard and suddenly very warrior-like.]
I was the leader of a group of Ireland's greatest heroes a while. Don't challenge me on this. I put men with abilities crazier than yours on their asses when they wouldn't listen and I will do the same to you, Stand or no.
[Diarmuid releases Kakyoin's gaze then, leaning back in his chair and finishing his drink.]
You aren't alone here and insisting you are only insults the rest of us. You aren't the only one who has been through crazy things. Believe me.
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Date: 2015-07-24 11:15 pm (UTC)[Kakyoin didn't sit down, but he also didn't leave. He repeated the words with a disbelieving tone, like he was completely astounded by what he was hearing.]
Don't you get it?! Of course I'm alone! Even if the rest of you have been through things I can't imagine...that's just it. I can't imagine it. The reverse is just as true. You don't understand, you can never understand what we were going through together!
[it was frustration rather than any legitimate rage in Kakyoin's voice; obviously this wasn't Diarmuid's fault and he knew that, but...this was just the last straw on a situation that was too much. He wasn't like Jotaro, he couldn't take control of a situation like this.]
I appreciate everything you've done--don't misunderstand and think that I simply don't care, but I can't rely on people who aren't Stand users!
[And there it was.]
[Even if everyone could see Hierophant...even if they could understand 'Kakyoin Noriaki' in doing so, they could never be like him. No one here could be someone he trusted without question, because they weren't like him. hadnlt that been the case since he was a child?]
[I'm different from other people.]
[Because he had Hierophant. Because he'd been through things no one else here had. That was why he had to be alone.]
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Date: 2015-07-24 11:46 pm (UTC)Where in the dictionary does it say that just because someone can't understand completely what others have been through means they still can't work together? Where does it say they still can't be friends?
[His glass settles onto the table with a click and then Diarmuid stands up, palms of his hands coming to rest on the table so he can lean forward over it toward Kakyoin.]
When I was a child, the man who was responsible for my birth murdered my half brother in front of me. I was six. It broke my young mind and if my father hadn't wiped the memory of that night from my mind, I would have gone crazy from the shock. Do I expect you to understand that? Of course not, but that doesn't mean you and your experiences can't help me toward understanding this place. It doesn't mean I have to face everything alone.
[Diarmuid's eyes narrow.]
And it doesn't mean that I think any friends I make here are trying to take the place of those I have left behind. The friends from your world will always understand you better than we will because they share abilities with you. Along those same lines, I will always be able to understand any Servant or Master who comes to this place better than you. Don't you see that is exactly why we have to work together? My experiences will help those who know nothing about Servants or Master have a chance to understand them better. Not completely, but better. The same holds true for you and any Stand users who come to the city. Who else would we be able to turn to to help us deal with that man should he ever arrive here?
[The hard edge suddenly falls from Diarmuid's expression completely and his expression suddenly becomes soft and open.]
Kakyoin, none of us are ever going to be them. We don't want to be. They are your friends in a way we can't copy. Instead, we want to become friends with you in a way only we can--as fellow captives in this city. As people who are trying to figure this place and its overseers out. That is our common link. Not Stand usage. Not being people with special abilities. Not people who have died and been given life again in this strange place.
We are all captives. We are all fighting for our friends and our chance to go home. This is our link. And this is why you do not have to be alone.
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Date: 2015-07-25 12:05 am (UTC)[Kakyoin faltered again, taking half a step back and looking away. What Diarmuid was saying seemed to defuse him to a point; the frustration was still here, but he'd gone quiet as he tried to return to his calm and logical self.]
[It didn't really work. Even though he understood what he was hearing, and had to agree there was solid reason to it...even Kakyoin was having trouble processing it.]
I can't-...
[He was...still such a useless coward. Even after all of this, he couldn't change from the weak Kakyoin that gave in to fear months before; the deep sense of shame and self-loathing he felt upon realizing that simply couldn't be measured.]
...if he does arrive here, there's nothing that any of us can do. [The only thing he could focus on was the statement that left a cold chill running down his spine. Come to him for help? That was so sad it was almost funny.] we've already lost so much, I don't even know how the friends I have left can defeat him. And if he does end up trapped here, then that will only be confirmation that the people in control of this place simply can't be stopped.
[Kakyoin refused to look at Diarmuid directly, one hand tightly gripping the fabric of his uniform--near his stomach. His voice had turned unsteady, strained by all the pressure he hadn't let on about until right now.]
I can't...do this, Diarmuid. I'm not--I'm not like my friends, like Jotaro and the others.I thought I'd grown past this, I-I swore I'd never lose again, not to my fear or to anyone else, and I still--!
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Date: 2015-07-25 12:32 am (UTC)[Fear is a natural reaction. Why do so many hold it against themselves when they feel it?]
Being afraid means you understand the nature of exactly what you are facing. Even I would be afraid to face this man. I have a feeling your friends are probably afraid too, but like you they likely don't want to show it in front of those who are depending on them.
[Diarmuid sighs, running a hand through his hair.]
Kakyoin, it's all right if you aren't them. You don't have to be. All you have to be is you. Use your skills to the best. No battle is won without information being gathered for those fighting. That is what you excel at and I know I would rather have you at my back in a battle than I would many others.
[Had they not proven how well they could work together during the Wendigo hunt?]
Who knows? Maybe we can't win or maybe Fate will favor us and we will. Didn't I tell you to keep faith in your friends before? If they found a way to stop him after the clues you left them, then we could do the same if need be. In fact, we are steps ahead because we have you hear to tell us the secret of his power.
Please...stop underestimating yourself. You are a lot stronger and skilled than you think.
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Date: 2015-07-25 12:44 am (UTC)[He shook his head, adjusting his sunglasses with the hand that didn't have a deathgrip on his uniform. Was he imagining the pain in his stomach? Kakyoin honestly hoped so, but he still doubted that was the case.]
Don't give me the whole 'fear is only natural' philosophy, I don't want to hear it. All I have to be is myself? You don't even know who that is!
[For Kakyoin, those two lines of thought were very closely tied together. No one knew the kind of weakness that had led Kakyoin to meet his friends in the first place--he hadn't even told any of them the details of it. Only two people knew the kind of sickening fear that Kakyoin had given into, and one was an immortal vampire back in Egypt.]
You don't have any idea the kind of trouble that fear's gotten me into. Don't trust your back to someone like me, least of all against...against all of this.
[By now, Hierophant had started to respond to its user's agitation. It didn't attack or even present a threat, but as Kakyoin seemed so intent on drawing back as much as physically possible, a thin coil wrapped around his arms and over his shoulders like a particularly long and comforting scarf.]
...I'm a coward. I'm still...just a coward, and that's exactly what got me into all of this.
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Date: 2015-07-25 01:07 am (UTC)[There could be malice in those words or even mocking, but neither emotion is present. Instead, Diarmuid's tone is even as if he is just stating a fact instead of making a judgment. However, instead of saying more, Diarmuid just finds himself frowning slightly, especially when he notices Hierophant Green's appearance. He doesn't like that he is upsetting Kakyoin this much, but if the boy doesn't face this, what will he do?
Keep running forever?]
You're right. I don't know the kind of trouble that fear has gotten you into because you haven't told me, but I do know this: Running from that fear means you are going to stay the thing you hate so much. Unless you accept it, you will never stop being a coward. The brave look at their failures and swear they will not repeat them, and then, even if they do, they do not give up, but swear anew and step forward again.
If being a coward got you here, then decide to stop being one so you can find out way out again. Seeing things that others cannot is one of your strengths. Use that strength not to look outside of yourself for once, but to look inside of yourself.
Aren't you the one who told me your Stand is your soul? So look at your soul, Kakyoin, really look at it. Feel it as it reaches out to comfort you right now. Has it ever failed you when you were in need? Has it ever not been there? There is more to your soul than you are letting yourself see. Don't do yourself such disservice.
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Date: 2015-07-25 01:24 am (UTC)[But he took a deep breath to steady himself, hand lowering to rest on his Stand. Hierophant had been there for as long as he could remember. Even when he was alone, even in the most hopeless and desperate fights, there was this one constant he could rely on.The others had said that a Stand was powered by one's fighting spirit--their own willpower. So...was it really hopeless? Or was Kakyoin just letting himself think it was, even when his truest reflection knew better?]
[One thing was for sure--this conversation was going nowhere. He was going to have to come clean, at least to a point. But could he, really? Was it possible he could let himself truly rely on people that just weren't like him?]
...I'm...sorry. There's a lot that I haven't told you--that I haven't told anyone.I'm not used to this kind of thing, so...
[Hesitantly, he took his hand off of Hierophant and pulled off his sunglasses.]
Will you let me try to be a little more forthcoming with information? So you can understand what I mean when I say 'I can't give in to fear'.
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Date: 2015-07-25 01:40 am (UTC)[Diarmuid settles back into his chair, hands wrapping around his glass, though he doesn't refill it. Again, much like when they had been discussing the Overseers, he simply needs something to do with his hands.]
I would very much like to hear whatever you would like to tell me. There is so much that we don't know about each other and the things I am saying I can only say based on my own experiences which differ wildly from yours.
However, there is one thing I must ask of you before you start. You do realize that accepting your fear is much different than giving into it, right? In fact, they are mutually exclusive. Accepting your fear means that you understand it and accept it as part of you. You control it and use it to strengthen yourself. You do not let it control you. Only if you let it control you, do you give into it. That is when it changes from a strengthening agent, to a weakening one.
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Date: 2015-07-25 01:59 am (UTC)Just...let me talk, for a minute. We can revisit that concept in just a moment.
[Best to set it aside for now; he could at least give the idea context before properly approaching it.]
A while before all of this happened, my parents and I were on vacation in Egypt. That's...where I met him for the first time. Dio was practically collecting Stand users in the form of followers, like he was trying to build a small army. Most of them were people cruel enough or blinded by some sick devotion to follow him, but that wasn't his only method of gaining allies.
[Taking a deep breath, Kakyoin slowly took a seat and began to say what he'd never admitted to anyone.]
I was terrified of him--I knew he was going to kill me as easily as someone can crush an ant and with just as much thought for the action.
I couldn't fight, I couldn't even move. Instead of killing me, he implanted something in my head that made me little more than his own personal chess piece.
I gave in to my fear, and instead of fighting back with everything that I had...I spent three months as Dio's puppet.
Do you understand what I'm saying, Diarmuid? Because I was afraid, because I was a coward who only cared for surviving, I almost killed someone just because I was ordered to. My concern for my own life lost me my pride, my dignity, and control of my mind all in one second.
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Date: 2015-07-25 08:50 pm (UTC)[As emotional as Diarmuid can be, he does understand that sometimes talking to get the emotion out of the way is necessary whether the person realizes that is what they are doing or not. Besides, as he said, the more he knows, the easier it will be for him to try to help, so he listens closely as Kakyoin speaks. However, as the story comes out, it is obvious that while Kakyoin may be getting emotion out, Diarmuid is actually building emotion.
Anger. Not at the teen, naturally, but at the man who put him through so much at such a young age.
His hands tighten around the glass he is holding and, if Kakyoin is not too caught up in his story, he will notice it begin to crack. It is literally split seconds from shattering when Diarmuid realizes what he is doing and releases his hold on it. It is a good thing that the glass is empty, though, since as soon as nothing is holding it together, several pieces fall out to land beside it on the table.
Diarmuid draws a breath in and then slowly lets it out, putting a firm grip on his anger. He then stands and moves to sit next to Kakyoin, one of his hands lifting to rest on the teen's arm. That hand--shaking slightly--along with Diarmuid's eyes, show barely restrained anger, but it is clear from his voice, none of that anger is directed at Kakyoin himself.
No, it is all saved for Dio.]
When I saw the man who I will never call father kill my half brother, I froze in fear too. Would he attack my father next? The man who would become my lord? Me? When faced with life or death situations for the first time, freezing and being overwhelmed with fear is a natural reaction. Especially when you are young. You were a boy on vacation with your family. You never expected something like that to happen, just like I never expected a simple visitation to turn to murder.
[They aren't the same thing and Diarmuid knows they aren't. However, it is the closest he can come to understanding and so he tries.]
I won't tell you that it is wrong to be upset with yourself for giving in. Maybe in another world or at another time you might have done differently, but that can't changed now. What you need to do is focus on leaving that behind you because if you don't--if you don't learn to control that fear and use it--then it will be as if he is still controlling you even now.
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Date: 2015-07-25 09:08 pm (UTC)I don't...know how. [The admission was quiet and hesitant, miles from the proud, confident demeanor he so often carried himself with.]
I thought the only way to overcome my fear and self-loathing was to confront it head-on. To...resolve to leave that weak, pathetic Kakyoin behind and become someone that could stand with the friends that saved me from all of that.
[Kakyoin hesitated, gripping the fabric of his uniform again.]
I couldn't do it. Even if I faced him without fear for my own life, it wasn't enough. Because now I'm just...terrified, all over again. I don't know how to control my fear, I can't even move past it.
I don't....I don't know what to do, Diarmuid. I can't do anything on my own.
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Date: 2015-07-25 09:59 pm (UTC)Sorry. I...don't react well to those who use their power and influence to hurt others like he hurt you.
[And that is an understatement. What he would really like to do is get his hands on Dio and rip him to small bits, ability to stop time or not.]
It's okay if you don't know how, though.
[After taking a deep breath, Diarmuid opens his eyes again and gives Kakyoin's arm a gentle squeeze.]
That is where the rest of us come in. We can help you learn, but you have to let us try. We won't always be right and there are times when the fear will come back no matter what you do. That is because you can never really be rid of your fear. It is part of you which is why before you can make any process you have to accept it.
[Diarmuid gives Kakyoin a confident and welcoming look.]
You have leaned on yourself for a long time. For now, lean on us and realize it is okay if you can't do things on your own because you don't need to. Your friends from home are ever in your heart and the rest of us are here beside you. You are never truly alone.
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Date: 2015-07-25 10:24 pm (UTC)[He didn't answer for a long time, and he didn't meet Diarmuid's gaze either. Kakyoin fell completely silent as he thought this over, and yet the most prevalent issue in his mind was what's going to happen if I go back to Egypt?]
[Even if they got his message and knew how Dio's Stand worked, what could they do? How could they fight stopped time? How could anyone here do it?]
[...No. Wait. Wait, it wasn't that hopeless at all. If someone here--someone who wasn't actively trying to kill them--could stop time, then this was perfect. They could learn about how an ability like that worked...and learn how to counter it. And if Kakyoin could get information like that and if he could find a way back that didn't mean his instant death? Everything would be fine. They could fight him together, they could go home together.]
...They were...the first friends I ever had.
[Another quiet admission, this time coupled with he unsaid statement of so I have to fight for them. Gradually, Kakyoin regained his composure and began to properly steady himself for the first time in this entire conversation. Taking a deep breath, the teenager continued in a voice that was much more like his usual calm self.]
I've always been alone, because...I'm different from other people. Others couldn't see my Hierophant, so they could never understand me. The day I was sent to kill Kujo Jotaro was the day I met people who could see both 'Hierophant Green' and 'Kakyoin Noriaki' for what we truly are. For the first time, I had people I could share a common goal with and rely on.
I think...I'm beginning to understand my own error in judgment. I'm sorry that I haven't been entirely truthful with any of you, and that I've gone out of my way to hide as much as I possibly could. Knowing that I've failed to trust any of you, despite all that you've done, I'll ask for your forgiveness. It's not your fault, rather that I'm just...accustomed to being alone. That I don't know how to trust people who aren't the friends that saved my life. But I want to work with the rest of you and find a way out of this city, a way where I don't-...where none of us have to suffer.
[He paused and finally looked up, meeting Diarmuid's eyes with the look of a lost and uncertain teenager, rather than a hardened battle tactician.]
So is it...acceptable, if I try again?
You are a terrible, horrible person and I love it! :-D
Date: 2015-07-26 12:44 am (UTC)[Unspoken are the words so fight with all you are and all you will ever be for them.]
Please, don't worry about asking for forgiveness, though. You have done nothing to ask forgiveness about. We all have secrets and stories we have not told each other. This place doesn't always give us the time to tell them, even when we may want to.
[When Kakyoin gives him that look, Diarmuid leans to the side, nudging the teen gently with his shoulder.]
And of course you can try again. You can try over and over and over as many times as you need to. Tries are limited only by your own will to keep going.
[Diarmuid settles back in his chair, crossing his arms back behind his head and gazing out over the table at nothing in particular. As he talks, his expression grows soft and distant.]
Only a few people here know that I have a curse on my face. This place lessened its power when I was brought here, but the curse is still there. Fortunately, few have actually been affected by it.
[His eyes move to Kakyoin for a moment.]
I was around your age when a spirit of love and beauty cursed me so that any woman who saw my face fell in love with me. After that time, no matter what I did with my own skill and ability, everyone just assumed I got it...other ways.
[He's a good looking man with a love curse on his face. You figure out what those 'other ways' probably were, Kakyoin.]
People stopped seeing me and only saw the curse. It left me alone even though, as a knight, there were always people around me. It's why I am afraid of being left alone even to this day...
muhuhuhu also 1/2
Date: 2015-07-26 01:09 am (UTC)It's not the kind of thing I'd wish on anyone, least of all someone like yourself. You're a kind and respectable person, Diarmuid--you helped me when I absolutely needed someone, just like...
[Notably calmer but fidgeting slightly, Kakyoin curled the end of his hair around one finger. It was weird, to be this open with anyone. More so with someone that was neither part of their travel group nor a Stand user.But even though it was strange, it was...kind of nice.]
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Date: 2015-07-26 01:10 am (UTC)[Kakyoin stopped abruptly, not out of reluctance but because his voice had nearly broken midsentence. After everything that had happened in Egypt, in this city, and right now...more than ever, it was hard to maintain composure.]
...I don't remember...what the last thing I said to him was. I don't remember the last thing I said to Avdol and Iggy before they died, or to Polnareff and Jotaro before we all split up.
I never told any of them...how important they are to me.
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Date: 2015-07-27 12:13 am (UTC)[Diarmuid leans back over the table, resting his head in his hand. It's tempting to reach out and bat at the strand of hair that Kakyoin is playing with as so many people do to his own dangling bang, but for now he resists.]
Unfortunately, being kind and helpful doesn't stop bad things from happening to people, but I don't let it bother me and you shouldn't either. It is better to focus on helping people when there are bad things happening to them. That way, you are repaying the help you were given.
[When he sees how hard it is getting for Kakyoin to keep his composure again, Diarmuid reaches out to the teen and puts his hand back on his arm. A reminder he's not alone.]
I don't know Jotaro, but have you ever considered there wasn't a why? That he did it because he wanted to? Sometimes, people don't do things for a reason other than they want to. I do things all the time for that reason. I know it's kind of an old-fashioned attitude, but there doesn't always have to be a why.
The last words I exchanged with my wife before I died involved us arguing over which weapons I should take with me to the hunt, and I don't remember the last things I said to my children. Sadly, death doesn't care what you have or haven't said to someone. The best we can do now is make sure we tell people we care about here that we care about them and if any of your friends do arrive?
[He tilts his head slightly to catch Kakyoin's eyes.]
Make sure you take the time to tell them all that you didn't. We are going to fight to get you back home in a way that will allow you to avoid dying, but even so, you should not allow any opportunity to pass you by.
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Date: 2015-07-27 12:31 am (UTC)[Kakyoin offered a hesitant smile in response, like he was trying to figure out how to respond in a completely unfamiliar situation. It was surreal to actually discuss things like this at length; things he hadn't even shared with his closest friends. There hadn't really been time or opportunity for it--as long as the journey had felt, it had only lasted fifty days.]
That idiot--it'd be just like him to do something for no real reason. [Shaking his head, Kakyoin laughed to himself.] I do hesitate to say that I want any of them stuck here as well, but I think you'd fit in well with us.
[Which, coming from Noriaki 'I don't trust non-Stand users' Kakyoin, was quite the statement.]
If that does happen, I'll have to introduce you.
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Date: 2015-07-27 01:42 am (UTC)[And it is then that Diarmuid loses his battle with resisting batting at that...noodle that his hanging down in Kakyoin's face and bats at it.
Sorry, Kakyoin...]
I would be honored if you would introduce me to them. I think I would like them. If what you say is true, Jotaro sounds a lot like my best friend from back home. I called him an idiot so much for the things he did without a real reason that it might has well have been his middle name.
[Oscar and Jotaro in the same room together. The world just might end...]
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Date: 2015-07-27 01:49 am (UTC)[He seemed startled, but not really offended--he lightly shoved Diarmuid's hand away and tried to focus on the subject at hand.]
Jojo's kind of abrasive, to say the least. But he's not as uncaring as he likes to act. [Beat.] ...Actually, now that I think about it I guess our whole group was just a little weird.
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Date: 2015-07-27 02:00 am (UTC)Sorry. People do it to me all the time and I just wondered why...
That actually describes my friend Oscar perfectly. It's not his fault, but he grew up basically with the expectation he would be a heartless warrior and so that is what he showed everyone. Everyone but me, that is. I knew the 'real' Oscar.
[And Diarmuid still wonders what happened to the 'real' Oscar after he lost the only person who he ever let see him.]
There is nothing wrong with weird, though. Weird people make the most interesting friends.
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Date: 2015-07-27 02:08 am (UTC)[Kakyoin leaned his head on his hand, distantly thoughtful for a second.]
Polnareff's a little strange, too--he makes stupid jokes all the time and almost never takes anything seriously, but that's kind of refreshing in such difficult situations. Jotaro's grandfather Joseph is kind of the same way, but at least he has a good amount of sense when it matters.
...They're...yeah. 'Interesting' is definitely the word I'd use.
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