[He takes a little while on his own to think about This. This, with a capital "T", because the more he lingers on it the more he realizes that he really does need to think about it at length; the more he figures out only seems to illuminate how much more he still has yet to consider. Talking it out with Giorno had set him on the right track, but he knows full well that there's a goodly distance of it that he's going to have to traverse alone, and so he gives himself the space and the time to do precisely that.
It's fortunate that his office at the toy store is perfect for that kind of contemplation: it's cool and dark and quiet, and in a place like this no one has the authority to bother him. (People still can bother him, of course, but it's less about the physical reality and more about the significance; the office is His, the way that the subject on his mind is a Thing, and that makes it well suited to This because of it.)
There's a pattern to This — or at least, there's two points from which he can find the slope of a line. Giorno in his nightwear had set him off-guard like this, once; he remembers his reaction had been to hand over his gakuran silently. Kakyoin in his dress, now, had done similarly. And at first blush, the sensation he'd felt in both instances was a desire, on some level, to get away from it — to alleviate matters by having Giorno cover up, or by being left spinning around in the dead space within the perimeter constructed of Kakyoin's feelings.
He takes some time to think about the path he's been on. How far he's come, how much he's walked it since that day on the beach when he'd closed his eyes and pleaded with Giorno to let him keep fighting because he'd started believing there was a better person waiting for him on the other side of that fight. And the first steps of that had been learning how not to feel bad, how to take care of himself, how to transition slowly into an existence where his baseline is quiet satisfaction instead of simmering misery.
He keeps trying to articulate this new feeling, keeps coming up with "weird but not bad". The "not bad" is obligatory, the necessary clarification that he's not seeking to hurt anyone's feelings, because he isn't. But if that weren't a consideration at all...then his kneejerk reaction would be to say "bad", and he doesn't know why that is.
Because...really, it isn't bad. It's just different. And maybe he's afraid of that, he reflects at length. Maybe he's afraid of different because he's happy with the same, and different might be better but it could also be worse and he doesn't want to backslide into worse again.
This is a lot of thinking going into the sight of his boyfriend in a dress. But it's important, so he keeps after it.
But Giorno had pointed out that it's also new. "New" gives him context for comparison, lets him think about other times he's experienced new things and what his reactions have been to those. New and different, weird but not bad — isn't that roughly how it'd felt when he'd been trying to work out his thoughts on accepting Kakyoin's confession at all? He'd never once doubted that the feelings were there, had been able to promise that at some point an acceptance would come. Why had he needed that period of hesitation?
Was it just because it was new?
Different and weird, but not bad. Unbalanced. Like that feeling of falling, the moment after you trip but right before you right yourself.
And maybe — there was something else Giorno had said, too, that made him think. Maybe...maybe it's a question of assimilation. He has context for that, too, and plenty of it: how he reacted to Star Platinum at first but now lives in natural symbiosis with his Stand; how he had to deal with the sudden upset of Kakyoin being alive in this place instead of dead; how he's added family members he never knew he had — an uncle, a brother, a daughter — and that knowledge has changed him, but once he'd learned to harness that knowledge he'd been able to make it a part of him.
Assimilation.
My brother is learning new things today.
But is that so different to what Kakyoin had done by wearing the dress at all, really? Dresses are for girls — he doesn't want to be a girl — then why wear a dress? Because...because a dress is clothes, like love is love, like he doesn't care about Kakyoin being his boyfriend instead of his girlfriend because the point is that he's Kakyoin. Maybe there's no reason to care that a dress is for girls because it's not for girls, it's clothes, it's for whoever puts them on and Kakyoin put it on so it must be for Kakyoin.
Assimilation. If he wants to make wearing whatever he wants a part of who he is, then isn't that his right?
So it's not really about the dress. It's nothing to do with girls and boys or anything in between. It's...it's that moment of "you aren't supposed to" being answered with "why not". Most of the time, he feels like he's pretty good about embracing that, himself. Maybe he's not always as good about it as he thinks he is.
Maybe there's a way he can fix that. Or start to fix it, anyway.
On his way home, he stops and picks up a few things, before heading upstairs to his closet and searching around for a box he knows is there. When he finds it, he retreats to the bathroom and locks himself inside, reminding himself all the while that different isn't the same thing as wrong, and that the best way to understand — for him, usually, anyway — is to explore the experience for himself, on some level.
So he stays in there a while, until he thinks he's ready, and then finds his pocketwatch and sends off a text that makes his stomach coil and squirm — ]
If you have a couple minutes, can you come talk to me about something? In our room.
[ — but he makes himself focus on it, that squirming, and reminds himself to own it. It's not that much different from a fight: either he lets it get the better of him, or he masters it, and of the two he knows which one he's better suited to anyway.]
[Which he was--in pants and a shirt this time--completely unaware of any internal conflict. Kakyoin was actually feeling pretty good about the whole thing; from his perspective things had gone much better than expected and he'd looked pretty damn good in the process.]
[So whatever was going on had, for the moment, flown right over his head.]
[The remark came from behind the bathroom door, which was cracked slightly ajar; to a careful eye, it appeared that the door was swaying very slightly wider and more closed as time passed, as though the person on the other side had their hand on the knob and was just kind of standing there waiting.
Which, probably, he was.]
...Listen. I was thinking. About the other day, and the...your dress.
[It was right about then that Kakyoin caught on to something being notably different than expected. He couldn't gauge what that meant immediately, but the fact that something was left him feeling just a little unsettled. Relax, he quickly reminded himself. Jotaro isn't going to think you're different.]
[Almost hesitantly, the door wavered and then opened, and Jotaro emerged from behind it with squared shoulders but something in the body language that made it look as though he was doing his best not to fidget, despite all strong temptations toward doing precisely that.
Gone were the gakuran and the uniform pants; the Jotaro that stepped into the room was wearing the pieces of the outfit he'd worn to their housewarming party, tailored pants and white collared shirt and a black vest with a tie knotted sharply at his throat. The long sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, and for once his feet were covered in thin black socks rather than going barefoot. Also gone was his hat; in its place, his hair had been slicked with gel and smoothed back off his face with crisp, visible comb-strokes, and on his face —
Without the brim of his hat to get in the way, his green eyes were on full display — and so was the thin band of eyeliner running along his lashline and winging just barely off of the corner, and the peach-orange lipstick smoothed in thin swipes over his mouth.
To say he looked massively uncomfortable was probably an understatement, and yet it was still plain to see that "uncomfortable" was a very separate thing from "miserable"; his movements were gawky but not sullen, like a puppy getting used to its oversize paws, and he kept pressing his lips together as though he wanted to chew on them but kept remembering that he couldn't, from the color there.
Thus: a somewhat un-Jotaro Jotaro, having done his best to clean up, and quite possibly doing a pretty damn good imitation of James Bond — or at least, that was probably his idea before he'd decided to add on a little makeup as the icing on the cake of valiant attempts.]
I-I wanted to...
[He came to a stop, in full view, and glanced down over himself before making himself look back up at Kakyoin again.]
I think...it's good that you're trying new things. I thought maybe it'd be good if...if you didn't have to be the only one trying them. I mean — I don't think it's weird. But if it's weird then we're weird together. ...Now.
[Is this how you do supportive? Maybe. He's doing his best, at least.]
[No amount of strategy could have quite prepared him for that, and after a few seconds Kakyoin realized he was the one staring. Violet eyes ticked down a silent list; hair, eyes, makeup, tie, suit, eyes again.]
You--
['Holy shit' was not an appropriate response, and for a moment he fumbled for an actual constructed answer before remembering Jotaro's own approach.]
It...that really...brings out your eyes. They look brighter, I mean.
...It's new. I don't...really understand how people get used to having stuff on their mouth. It feels sticky and heavy. Heavier on my eyes, too, the...stuff.
[He paused a minute, hesitating, and looked himself over again.]
I don't really feel like myself. Because — when I think of "myself", I think of what I'm used to, and I'm not used to this. So it feels like I'm...playing, sort of. Like little kids play dress-up.
...
But the way you're looking at me is how I felt when I saw you in that dress.
[Kakyoin's first reaction was to laugh--at himself rather than Jotaro, embarrassed and turning faintly red.]
I'm that transparent, huh? You look...you look nice. [A massive understatement, judging by the wide smile on Kakyoin's face.] Really nice. [Slight improvement.]
I didn't really feel comfortable in it at first either. They're a hell of a lot different from a school uniform either way. I mean. i'm trying to say that...if you're really uncomfortable, or you decide you are, you don't have to keep it up just for my sake. I'd rather have you be comfortable as yourself than anything else.
...I was thinking, maybe I won't ever get comfortable with something unless I get through being uncomfortable with it first. And...I don't think I would want to look like this all the time.
[...]
But if it were just...playing. Like costume playing. Then it feels different. Because then I don't have to be...me, exactly. I don't know if that makes sense.
[That was all the green light Kakyoin needed, taking a few quick steps over and carefully contemplating his next move. Evaluating the situation by glancing up and down Jotaro's outfit again, he settled on curling his fingers around Jotaro's tie at a careful, deliberate pace and lightly tugging on it enough to pull him into an equally meticulous and thorough kiss.]
[Content to oblige, he let himself be pulled down — and in fact, maybe that was part of the incentive to wear a tie in the first place, along with just being dapper — and kissed, brow furrowing slightly when he felt the lipstick indeed begin to smudge, but otherwise satisfied to let Kakyoin lead and do as he pleased.]
[His hands moved; one drifting to Jotaro's shoulder to let him pull back if he wanted to, and the other touching his face in a silently encouraging gesture.]
[They were both going to look like a complete mess after this, but Kakyoin decided that was more than worth it.]
[They did, in fact, as he pulled back very slightly. Half of the color that had been on his mouth was now smudged on Kakyoin's, and he could already feel the other half smeared toward one corner of his own lips, out of place and leaving him looking a little bit disastrous, for all that the rest of him was well put-together.]
That's exactly right. Even if I change my name again or wear a hundred different unexpected outfits, you'll still know me as well as I know you. [That came out quietly, in between a number of kisses to Jotaro's throat.]
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timeasmymeasure
you guessed it: shortly after the Dress Adventure
Date: 2016-05-28 05:40 pm (UTC)It's fortunate that his office at the toy store is perfect for that kind of contemplation: it's cool and dark and quiet, and in a place like this no one has the authority to bother him. (People still can bother him, of course, but it's less about the physical reality and more about the significance; the office is His, the way that the subject on his mind is a Thing, and that makes it well suited to This because of it.)
There's a pattern to This — or at least, there's two points from which he can find the slope of a line. Giorno in his nightwear had set him off-guard like this, once; he remembers his reaction had been to hand over his gakuran silently. Kakyoin in his dress, now, had done similarly. And at first blush, the sensation he'd felt in both instances was a desire, on some level, to get away from it — to alleviate matters by having Giorno cover up, or by being left spinning around in the dead space within the perimeter constructed of Kakyoin's feelings.
He takes some time to think about the path he's been on. How far he's come, how much he's walked it since that day on the beach when he'd closed his eyes and pleaded with Giorno to let him keep fighting because he'd started believing there was a better person waiting for him on the other side of that fight. And the first steps of that had been learning how not to feel bad, how to take care of himself, how to transition slowly into an existence where his baseline is quiet satisfaction instead of simmering misery.
He keeps trying to articulate this new feeling, keeps coming up with "weird but not bad". The "not bad" is obligatory, the necessary clarification that he's not seeking to hurt anyone's feelings, because he isn't. But if that weren't a consideration at all...then his kneejerk reaction would be to say "bad", and he doesn't know why that is.
Because...really, it isn't bad. It's just different. And maybe he's afraid of that, he reflects at length. Maybe he's afraid of different because he's happy with the same, and different might be better but it could also be worse and he doesn't want to backslide into worse again.
This is a lot of thinking going into the sight of his boyfriend in a dress. But it's important, so he keeps after it.
But Giorno had pointed out that it's also new. "New" gives him context for comparison, lets him think about other times he's experienced new things and what his reactions have been to those. New and different, weird but not bad — isn't that roughly how it'd felt when he'd been trying to work out his thoughts on accepting Kakyoin's confession at all? He'd never once doubted that the feelings were there, had been able to promise that at some point an acceptance would come. Why had he needed that period of hesitation?
Was it just because it was new?
Different and weird, but not bad. Unbalanced. Like that feeling of falling, the moment after you trip but right before you right yourself.
And maybe — there was something else Giorno had said, too, that made him think. Maybe...maybe it's a question of assimilation. He has context for that, too, and plenty of it: how he reacted to Star Platinum at first but now lives in natural symbiosis with his Stand; how he had to deal with the sudden upset of Kakyoin being alive in this place instead of dead; how he's added family members he never knew he had — an uncle, a brother, a daughter — and that knowledge has changed him, but once he'd learned to harness that knowledge he'd been able to make it a part of him.
Assimilation.
My brother is learning new things today.
But is that so different to what Kakyoin had done by wearing the dress at all, really? Dresses are for girls — he doesn't want to be a girl — then why wear a dress? Because...because a dress is clothes, like love is love, like he doesn't care about Kakyoin being his boyfriend instead of his girlfriend because the point is that he's Kakyoin. Maybe there's no reason to care that a dress is for girls because it's not for girls, it's clothes, it's for whoever puts them on and Kakyoin put it on so it must be for Kakyoin.
Assimilation. If he wants to make wearing whatever he wants a part of who he is, then isn't that his right?
So it's not really about the dress. It's nothing to do with girls and boys or anything in between. It's...it's that moment of "you aren't supposed to" being answered with "why not". Most of the time, he feels like he's pretty good about embracing that, himself. Maybe he's not always as good about it as he thinks he is.
Maybe there's a way he can fix that. Or start to fix it, anyway.
On his way home, he stops and picks up a few things, before heading upstairs to his closet and searching around for a box he knows is there. When he finds it, he retreats to the bathroom and locks himself inside, reminding himself all the while that different isn't the same thing as wrong, and that the best way to understand — for him, usually, anyway — is to explore the experience for himself, on some level.
So he stays in there a while, until he thinks he's ready, and then finds his pocketwatch and sends off a text that makes his stomach coil and squirm — ]
If you have a couple minutes, can you come talk to me about something? In our room.
[ — but he makes himself focus on it, that squirming, and reminds himself to own it. It's not that much different from a fight: either he lets it get the better of him, or he masters it, and of the two he knows which one he's better suited to anyway.]
no subject
Date: 2016-05-28 08:00 pm (UTC)[Which he was--in pants and a shirt this time--completely unaware of any internal conflict. Kakyoin was actually feeling pretty good about the whole thing; from his perspective things had gone much better than expected and he'd looked pretty damn good in the process.]
[So whatever was going on had, for the moment, flown right over his head.]
Hey.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-28 08:07 pm (UTC)[The remark came from behind the bathroom door, which was cracked slightly ajar; to a careful eye, it appeared that the door was swaying very slightly wider and more closed as time passed, as though the person on the other side had their hand on the knob and was just kind of standing there waiting.
Which, probably, he was.]
...Listen. I was thinking. About the other day, and the...your dress.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-28 08:26 pm (UTC)[It was right about then that Kakyoin caught on to something being notably different than expected. He couldn't gauge what that meant immediately, but the fact that something was left him feeling just a little unsettled. Relax, he quickly reminded himself. Jotaro isn't going to think you're different.]
What about it?
no subject
Date: 2016-05-28 08:49 pm (UTC)[Almost hesitantly, the door wavered and then opened, and Jotaro emerged from behind it with squared shoulders but something in the body language that made it look as though he was doing his best not to fidget, despite all strong temptations toward doing precisely that.
Gone were the gakuran and the uniform pants; the Jotaro that stepped into the room was wearing the pieces of the outfit he'd worn to their housewarming party, tailored pants and white collared shirt and a black vest with a tie knotted sharply at his throat. The long sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, and for once his feet were covered in thin black socks rather than going barefoot. Also gone was his hat; in its place, his hair had been slicked with gel and smoothed back off his face with crisp, visible comb-strokes, and on his face —
Without the brim of his hat to get in the way, his green eyes were on full display — and so was the thin band of eyeliner running along his lashline and winging just barely off of the corner, and the peach-orange lipstick smoothed in thin swipes over his mouth.
To say he looked massively uncomfortable was probably an understatement, and yet it was still plain to see that "uncomfortable" was a very separate thing from "miserable"; his movements were gawky but not sullen, like a puppy getting used to its oversize paws, and he kept pressing his lips together as though he wanted to chew on them but kept remembering that he couldn't, from the color there.
Thus: a somewhat un-Jotaro Jotaro, having done his best to clean up, and quite possibly doing a pretty damn good imitation of James Bond — or at least, that was probably his idea before he'd decided to add on a little makeup as the icing on the cake of valiant attempts.]
I-I wanted to...
[He came to a stop, in full view, and glanced down over himself before making himself look back up at Kakyoin again.]
I think...it's good that you're trying new things. I thought maybe it'd be good if...if you didn't have to be the only one trying them. I mean — I don't think it's weird. But if it's weird then we're weird together. ...Now.
[Is this how you do supportive? Maybe. He's doing his best, at least.]
no subject
Date: 2016-05-28 09:05 pm (UTC)[No amount of strategy could have quite prepared him for that, and after a few seconds Kakyoin realized he was the one staring. Violet eyes ticked down a silent list; hair, eyes, makeup, tie, suit, eyes again.]
You--
['Holy shit' was not an appropriate response, and for a moment he fumbled for an actual constructed answer before remembering Jotaro's own approach.]
It...that really...brings out your eyes. They look brighter, I mean.
[#nailedit?]
What do you think about it?
no subject
Date: 2016-05-28 09:12 pm (UTC)[He paused a minute, hesitating, and looked himself over again.]
I don't really feel like myself. Because — when I think of "myself", I think of what I'm used to, and I'm not used to this. So it feels like I'm...playing, sort of. Like little kids play dress-up.
...
But the way you're looking at me is how I felt when I saw you in that dress.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-28 09:25 pm (UTC)I'm that transparent, huh? You look...you look nice. [A massive understatement, judging by the wide smile on Kakyoin's face.] Really nice. [Slight improvement.]
I didn't really feel comfortable in it at first either. They're a hell of a lot different from a school uniform either way. I mean. i'm trying to say that...if you're really uncomfortable, or you decide you are, you don't have to keep it up just for my sake. I'd rather have you be comfortable as yourself than anything else.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-28 09:33 pm (UTC)[...]
But if it were just...playing. Like costume playing. Then it feels different. Because then I don't have to be...me, exactly. I don't know if that makes sense.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-28 09:38 pm (UTC)[Kakyoin shrugged, still with that smile on his face.]
So you're okay with it, then? With all this, I mean--you aren't hating it or anything?
no subject
Date: 2016-05-28 09:45 pm (UTC)[He worked his mouth a little bit, testing the lipstick again.]
...So. What do you want to do with me?
no subject
Date: 2016-05-28 09:49 pm (UTC)...I could show you, but I'll probably smudge that nice lipstick to hell. That's a shame, isn't it?
no subject
Date: 2016-05-28 09:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-05-28 10:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-05-28 10:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-05-28 10:27 pm (UTC)[They were both going to look like a complete mess after this, but Kakyoin decided that was more than worth it.]
no subject
Date: 2016-05-28 10:34 pm (UTC)...Is that all?
no subject
Date: 2016-05-28 10:38 pm (UTC)[where did THAT come from why are you trying to be smooth]
no subject
Date: 2016-05-28 11:59 pm (UTC)[A beat.]
...And I know you better than to think that could possibly be all you want.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-29 12:03 am (UTC)[That fact came with a few lipstick-smudged kisses trailing along Jotaro's jawline to his ear, followed by:]
You know me better than anyone does.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-29 12:10 am (UTC)[He sucked in a sharp breath, hands coming up to find their way to Kakyoin's hips.]
That's why...
That's why when you grow, I can't be far behind. Right? Because...I'll always know you better than anyone, no matter who you decide to be.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-29 12:29 am (UTC)So we have to keep up with each other. Always.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-29 12:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-05-29 12:38 am (UTC)