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[lapidarius]

"This is Kakyoin Noriaki. Please leave a message, I'll contact you as soon as I can."

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[digiorno]

but i'm not

[Are you lonely, Gold Experience?]

[He hits send by accident, then throws his watch at the pillow. It feels like a tantrum welling up, no no no; he clenches his fists and wants to throw punches, weak desperate ones against the awful aching realization. But no. It's not Kakyoin's fault. It's his. He should have just asked the direct question. He shouldn't have been afraid of it, but it was and now Kakyoin is talking about him, him and Gold Experience, and he doesn't want to be him and Gold Experience, he doesn't want that.]

[He waits until his fingers stop shaking, then reaches out for the watch again.]

well carlos would agree with you. maybe you should compare notes.

[It comes out more bitter than he means it to. But there's no taking it back, and anyway, he's not sure he wants to take it back at all.]

[lapidarius]

i'm sorry

[A pause.]

I wasn't trying to assume anything. I hope I didn't go too far or say something I shouldn't have.

[digiorno]

no i'm not

i'm not angry really i just

i hate other people knowing things about me that i don't know or that i don't want them to know

and i'm tired of thinking about gold experience

i hate thinking about gold experience most of the time

[lapidarius]

i'm in the library--would you come over here?

i won't push it if you'd rather keep going like this, that's fine

i'd just like to talk about this in person if you're okay with that

[digiorno]

um

can i ask why? why in person i mean

[lapidarius]

because honestly

if i ask 'would you tell me why' i feel like that's not a question you should have to be alone to think about

[digiorno]

[Oh.]

[He rubs his nose viciously and nods, even though Kakyoin isn't there.]

i'm on my way

this wasn't even what i wanted to talk about you know i was asking about something totally different originally. not him. he always comes up when i don't want him to

[lapidarius]

it's okay. we can talk about whatever you want to, it doesn't have to be that.

[digiorno]

no, because then i'll just know you're thinking about it

like carlos is thinking about it

[lapidarius]

alright

i'm sorry if i'm prying into something that's none of my business

[digiorno]

no

it's fine

i mean

i don't know, never mind

i'll be there soon

[But when he comes, he slinks into the room with his shoulders tight, looking smaller than he is instead of taking up the whole room. Glancing around the room, he sees Kakyoin and ducks his head before coming to sit next to him.]

Buon giorno.

[lapidarius]

Buongiorno. [Kakyoin held out one arm a little hesitantly, unsure if Giorno would want to accept the invitation or not right now.]

I'm listening. If you want to tell me what started all this first, I mean.

[digiorno]

[He frowns sharply, staring at the extended invitation for probably too long before shaking his head, curling up on the chair with his legs tucked under him.]

I don't know. It's stupid. I wanted to know what it means if someone's Stand remembers you. Or is glad to see you. But it's not . . .

It's stupid.

[lapidarius]

I don't think it's stupid, Giorno.

[He didn't remark on the frown or silent refusal, simply lowering his arm and neatly folding his hands.]

But I'm also not sure I know what that feels like, so it may not be something I can really relate to--Jojo might know better than I would. But I'd like to try to help you with it anyway, if I can.

So with that in mind, I think... If a Stand is a reflection of their user's self--and I presume that holds true regardless of independence--then it means you left an impact on that person on an important level. If someone's Stand is even happy to see you, wouldn't that mean that person is happy to see you down to their soul and subconscious?

[digiorno]

. . . It's really just that simple?

[His frown deepens; he laces his fingers together in his lap and stares at the tabletop.]

I thought it would be more complicated than that. I don't know why.

[lapidarius]

Like I said...I don't know for certain. Hierophant's different from most of you; we feel and remember all the same things in roughly the same ways. So I can only take a guess based on what I do know, but that...sounds right to me?

[digiorno]

Right. All right, well. I trust you.

[And he doesn't want to talk to Jotaro about it, not really. Or anyone else. Just Kakyoin. So that's going to have to be his answer.]

[His shoulders relax fractionally, and he forces himself to smile.]

Thank you. I didn't mean to make the question so complicated and dramatic.

[lapidarius]

I know that you do. I'm sorry I complicated things a little, myself.

[Kakyoin was quiet for a moment, glancing down to his folded hands. He didn't want to push it, but Giorno was right--it was going to be on his mind regardless.]

...I don't really see Gold Experience much, and I never thought to question that. I wasn't even certain what his ability was until I had to ask where on earth Jotaro got an otter.

You don't have to tell me everything--you don't have to tell me anything, really. But I still want to ask.

[digiorno]

I don't, um.

[He glances sideways, then averts his eyes again.]

I'm not . . . really sure what the question is. I'm not trying to be avoidant, I just . . . I don't understand.

[lapidarius]

Why don't you...like thinking about Gold Experience?

[...]

I mean--I'd like to understand if I can. Because that's important to me, understanding the people I care about. You're important to me.

[digiorno]

Okay. I — well, I'll try.

[For a few moments he frowns at nothing, his brows drawn sharply together as his fingers knit together in his lap. The inside of his cheek is raw; he's been chewing it without noticing it, he thinks, in that silent and unobservable way that he tries not to do anymore.]

[After a little while, he glances at Kakyoin and then away again. Then back.]

I don't want to rely . . . no, that's not — mm. I don't want, I don't like the way it feels, what he feels. I don't want to rely on . . . something like that. Something that feels weak like that.

[lapidarius]

[Kakyoin listened quietly, giving Giorno his full attention. He wasn't sure he could fully grasp what he was hearing; in concept it was easy enough to comprehend, but the difficult part was understanding what it would feel like to view one's own Stand that way. With Purple Haze, he'd understood the desire and necessity to keep distance between Stand and user both physically and in the metaphorical way, but here it just didn't make as much sense to him.]

[Carefully, he questioned:]

'Something that feels weak like that'...?

[digiorno]

Like Gold Experience feels.

[But that doesn't explain anything, he knows, and grits his teeth in frustration.]

I don't know. I don't know if I can explain it. It just feels wrong. Like everyone can see all the parts of me I don't want seen. What makes me happy, even when it shouldn't, and . . . all the parts of me that are too young and vulnerable and desperate. They shouldn't even exist anymore, much less be seen.

[lapidarius]

...like they're seeing half of everything you are and everything you've ever been.

[And just like that, it made sense. Like Giorno, Kakyoin carefully built an image for himself--unlike Giorno, he had nothing to lose and everything to gain when that image was broken. Giorno was different--his entire 'self' as the world at large saw it was one he had built from the ashes of a father he'd never known before this and the shadows of a legacy he'd probably never fully been aware of.]

[Giorno had Haruno, and Haruno was a much heavier thing to bear than Tenmei ever had been.]

I'm sorry. I think that...maybe I understand a little now?

[digiorno]

Do you?

[He grits his teeth again, viciously frustrated, and starts pulling pins out of his hair in a frantic attempt to do something.]

Explain it to me, then, because I can't find the words. I can't find the words, Kakyoin, me, and it's making me want to break things.