that there's a correlation between him feeling those conflicting feelings and me . . . my desires? i don't know what those desires would be. i don't want him to feel anything.
Let me frame it a different way, then. Remember the very first night we met? Jotaro accidentally let slip what happened to me, and Hierophant stopped him from leaving.
'Hierophant' did that, not 'Kakyoin'. What I felt was 'don't leave' on some level, and he acted on that.
What I'm getting at is this question: is it possible that what Gold Experience feels is a reflection on your own subconscious?
[He hits send by accident, then throws his watch at the pillow. It feels like a tantrum welling up, no no no; he clenches his fists and wants to throw punches, weak desperate ones against the awful aching realization. But no. It's not Kakyoin's fault. It's his. He should have just asked the direct question. He shouldn't have been afraid of it, but it was and now Kakyoin is talking about him, him and Gold Experience, and he doesn't want to be him and Gold Experience, he doesn't want that.]
[He waits until his fingers stop shaking, then reaches out for the watch again.]
well carlos would agree with you. maybe you should compare notes.
[It comes out more bitter than he means it to. But there's no taking it back, and anyway, he's not sure he wants to take it back at all.]
[He rubs his nose viciously and nods, even though Kakyoin isn't there.]
i'm on my way
this wasn't even what i wanted to talk about you know i was asking about something totally different originally. not him. he always comes up when i don't want him to
[But when he comes, he slinks into the room with his shoulders tight, looking smaller than he is instead of taking up the whole room. Glancing around the room, he sees Kakyoin and ducks his head before coming to sit next to him.]
[He frowns sharply, staring at the extended invitation for probably too long before shaking his head, curling up on the chair with his legs tucked under him.]
I don't know. It's stupid. I wanted to know what it means if someone's Stand remembers you. Or is glad to see you. But it's not . . .
[He didn't remark on the frown or silent refusal, simply lowering his arm and neatly folding his hands.]
But I'm also not sure I know what that feels like, so it may not be something I can really relate to--Jojo might know better than I would. But I'd like to try to help you with it anyway, if I can.
So with that in mind, I think... If a Stand is a reflection of their user's self--and I presume that holds true regardless of independence--then it means you left an impact on that person on an important level. If someone's Stand is even happy to see you, wouldn't that mean that person is happy to see you down to their soul and subconscious?
Like I said...I don't know for certain. Hierophant's different from most of you; we feel and remember all the same things in roughly the same ways. So I can only take a guess based on what I do know, but that...sounds right to me?
I know that you do. I'm sorry I complicated things a little, myself.
[Kakyoin was quiet for a moment, glancing down to his folded hands. He didn't want to push it, but Giorno was right--it was going to be on his mind regardless.]
...I don't really see Gold Experience much, and I never thought to question that. I wasn't even certain what his ability was until I had to ask where on earth Jotaro got an otter.
You don't have to tell me everything--you don't have to tell me anything, really. But I still want to ask.
[For a few moments he frowns at nothing, his brows drawn sharply together as his fingers knit together in his lap. The inside of his cheek is raw; he's been chewing it without noticing it, he thinks, in that silent and unobservable way that he tries not to do anymore.]
[After a little while, he glances at Kakyoin and then away again. Then back.]
I don't want to rely . . . no, that's not — mm. I don't want, I don't like the way it feels, what he feels. I don't want to rely on . . . something like that. Something that feels weak like that.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2016-07-28 08:05 am (UTC)that there's a correlation between him feeling those conflicting feelings and me . . . my desires? i don't know what those desires would be. i don't want him to feel anything.
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Date: 2016-07-28 08:14 am (UTC)'Hierophant' did that, not 'Kakyoin'. What I felt was 'don't leave' on some level, and he acted on that.
What I'm getting at is this question: is it possible that what Gold Experience feels is a reflection on your own subconscious?
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Date: 2016-07-28 08:22 am (UTC)it's possible, i just don't know what i would be feeling subconsciously that would make him feel two things that are entirely opposite
people are supposed to just feel one thing in one direction
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Date: 2016-07-28 08:30 am (UTC)If he's happy and also worried, that might be
[. . .]
maybe he's afraid of losing that
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Date: 2016-07-28 09:06 am (UTC)[Are you lonely, Gold Experience?]
[He hits send by accident, then throws his watch at the pillow. It feels like a tantrum welling up, no no no; he clenches his fists and wants to throw punches, weak desperate ones against the awful aching realization. But no. It's not Kakyoin's fault. It's his. He should have just asked the direct question. He shouldn't have been afraid of it, but it was and now Kakyoin is talking about him, him and Gold Experience, and he doesn't want to be him and Gold Experience, he doesn't want that.]
[He waits until his fingers stop shaking, then reaches out for the watch again.]
well carlos would agree with you. maybe you should compare notes.
[It comes out more bitter than he means it to. But there's no taking it back, and anyway, he's not sure he wants to take it back at all.]
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Date: 2016-07-28 11:33 am (UTC)[A pause.]
I wasn't trying to assume anything. I hope I didn't go too far or say something I shouldn't have.
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Date: 2016-07-28 04:51 pm (UTC)i'm not angry really i just
i hate other people knowing things about me that i don't know or that i don't want them to know
and i'm tired of thinking about gold experience
i hate thinking about gold experience most of the time
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Date: 2016-07-28 04:54 pm (UTC)i won't push it if you'd rather keep going like this, that's fine
i'd just like to talk about this in person if you're okay with that
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Date: 2016-07-28 04:55 pm (UTC)can i ask why? why in person i mean
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Date: 2016-07-28 04:57 pm (UTC)if i ask 'would you tell me why' i feel like that's not a question you should have to be alone to think about
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Date: 2016-07-28 04:59 pm (UTC)[He rubs his nose viciously and nods, even though Kakyoin isn't there.]
i'm on my way
this wasn't even what i wanted to talk about you know i was asking about something totally different originally. not him. he always comes up when i don't want him to
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Date: 2016-07-28 05:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-07-28 05:05 pm (UTC)like carlos is thinking about it
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Date: 2016-07-28 05:06 pm (UTC)i'm sorry if i'm prying into something that's none of my business
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Date: 2016-07-28 05:09 pm (UTC)it's fine
i mean
i don't know, never mind
i'll be there soon
[But when he comes, he slinks into the room with his shoulders tight, looking smaller than he is instead of taking up the whole room. Glancing around the room, he sees Kakyoin and ducks his head before coming to sit next to him.]
Buon giorno.
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Date: 2016-07-28 05:12 pm (UTC)I'm listening. If you want to tell me what started all this first, I mean.
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Date: 2016-07-28 05:26 pm (UTC)I don't know. It's stupid. I wanted to know what it means if someone's Stand remembers you. Or is glad to see you. But it's not . . .
It's stupid.
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Date: 2016-07-28 05:32 pm (UTC)[He didn't remark on the frown or silent refusal, simply lowering his arm and neatly folding his hands.]
But I'm also not sure I know what that feels like, so it may not be something I can really relate to--Jojo might know better than I would. But I'd like to try to help you with it anyway, if I can.
So with that in mind, I think... If a Stand is a reflection of their user's self--and I presume that holds true regardless of independence--then it means you left an impact on that person on an important level. If someone's Stand is even happy to see you, wouldn't that mean that person is happy to see you down to their soul and subconscious?
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Date: 2016-07-28 05:36 pm (UTC)[His frown deepens; he laces his fingers together in his lap and stares at the tabletop.]
I thought it would be more complicated than that. I don't know why.
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Date: 2016-07-28 05:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-07-28 05:42 pm (UTC)[And he doesn't want to talk to Jotaro about it, not really. Or anyone else. Just Kakyoin. So that's going to have to be his answer.]
[His shoulders relax fractionally, and he forces himself to smile.]
Thank you. I didn't mean to make the question so complicated and dramatic.
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Date: 2016-07-28 05:46 pm (UTC)[Kakyoin was quiet for a moment, glancing down to his folded hands. He didn't want to push it, but Giorno was right--it was going to be on his mind regardless.]
...I don't really see Gold Experience much, and I never thought to question that. I wasn't even certain what his ability was until I had to ask where on earth Jotaro got an otter.
You don't have to tell me everything--you don't have to tell me anything, really. But I still want to ask.
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Date: 2016-07-28 05:57 pm (UTC)[He glances sideways, then averts his eyes again.]
I'm not . . . really sure what the question is. I'm not trying to be avoidant, I just . . . I don't understand.
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Date: 2016-07-28 06:23 pm (UTC)[...]
I mean--I'd like to understand if I can. Because that's important to me, understanding the people I care about. You're important to me.
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Date: 2016-07-28 11:21 pm (UTC)[For a few moments he frowns at nothing, his brows drawn sharply together as his fingers knit together in his lap. The inside of his cheek is raw; he's been chewing it without noticing it, he thinks, in that silent and unobservable way that he tries not to do anymore.]
[After a little while, he glances at Kakyoin and then away again. Then back.]
I don't want to rely . . . no, that's not — mm. I don't want, I don't like the way it feels, what he feels. I don't want to rely on . . . something like that. Something that feels weak like that.
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