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[lapidarius]

"This is Kakyoin Noriaki. Please leave a message, I'll contact you as soon as I can."

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Comments

[lapidarius]

Is that how it is for you?

[Kakyoin smiled, seeming completely relaxed as he thought about it. Maybe that was due to talking about a subject he enjoyed, or because of the light and caring touches to Hierophant.]

I think that makes sense, yeah.

[starmark]

Sex Pistols does it, too. Self-preservation...or I guess you could call it "user preservation", but it's sort of the same thing. Being able to act independently to protect their user even if the user is unconscious.

[He hummed reflectively.]

So, knocking Mista out wouldn't necessarily stop Sex Pistols, and it wouldn't necessarily stop Star, either.

[lapidarius]

I wonder if Hierophant's ever done that. Death Thirteen was one thing, but obviously I don't know if he's acted while I was unconscious or asleep otherwise.

[. . .]

...I've never talked about him like this with anyone before. I don't...sound crazy or anything, right? Talking about how I don't always know the difference between us or things like that, I mean.

[starmark]

[Ah. There it was again, one of Kakyoin's subconscious nervous check-ins: is this really okay, do I sound crazy, you don't think it's weird?

He was going to have to remember to buy Giorno a case of chocolate pudding sometime; where once he knew full well he would've gotten frustrated and made demands, insisting on knowing why Kakyoin would even assume something like that in the first place, all of a sudden now it was like holding a crystal ball in his hands and being able to see where the odd behaviors all fit into place.]

...Actually, it helps me out a lot. It wasn't like we ever really had a lot of time to just sit around and think about our Stands; we were too busy using them. So having the chance to think about it now...it makes me realize how much I don't know, which is why hearing what you think is really helpful.

[lapidarius]

[Put completely at ease just like that, Kakyoin smiled brightly in response. Ordinarily he might have stopped long enough to realize that answer may have been different than expected, but the approach to his favorite subject completely distracted him.]

You think so too? Even as long as I've had him, there's a lot that I don't know either--like you said, most of the time we were more focused on fighting with them. I've never had any real opportunity to see other Stands in any normal context until now.

...I really like having the chance to think about it, knowing more about what they are now.

[starmark]

...Star ate chocolate pudding the other night.

[...Which may have inadvertently revealed where the pudding cup balanced on Kakyoin's face the other night had come from, as well. WHOOPS.]

Do you think if Hierophant went in the water, he'd fan out across the surface like a puddle? If you weren't making him hold his shape, I mean.

[lapidarius]

... [you little shit.]

I've never thought to try it, but maybe he would.

[starmark]

We should try sometime.

[...]

So. My mom liked him too, huh?

[lapidarius]

I think that she did, yeah. I told you I'd be able to handle it.

[starmark]

I never doubted you were the right person for it. So thanks, I know it wouldn't have gone nearly so well if it'd been me.

[lapidarius]

It's okay, really. You don't have to thank me, I just wanted to help.

['Because you keep useful things as long as they're useful.']

[Whether Kakyoin consciously knew what he was doing or not--and he didn't--the fact that he'd been able to do something positive about the situation was enough.]

[starmark]

...Hey. Hierophant's out, and taking you back to your room if I have to isn't any trouble, so...

[Um. Okay, maybe that was sort of an awkward lead-in, but they couldn't all be winners.]

...If you want to try to get some sleep, I'll take care of —

[It?]

— you.

[lapidarius]

Oh--

[Hierophant didn't move, but Kakyoin himself seemed to pull back and straighten up.]

Right, it's...late, isn't it? Should I just...just leave so you can sleep and save you the trouble in the first place?

[starmark]

Kakyoin.

[His voice came quietly, without reproach, but still gently firm.]

Listen to what I'm saying. If you want to try to fall asleep here, while it's quiet and Hierophant and I are both with you, that's what I'm offering.

If you want that, say yes and come over here.

[lapidarius]

...

[Of course he wanted it. Kakyoin had wanted to sit next to him this entire time, but there was 'what he wanted' and 'what was probably expected of him'. So he'd settled on letting Hierophant take that position--until now, when he was outright given the option rather than considering taking it for himself.]

[Slowly, he stood up and crossed the room to sit down next to Jotaro, Hierophant loosely around both their shoulders.]

...okay.

[starmark]

...I promise you can't lose this hand, no matter what cards you play. I promise.

[He worked one arm free, wrapping it loosely around Kakyoin's back with his hand slung low to sit in the curve of his waist.]

Do what it takes to get comfortable. Nothing you do is going to be wrong, I promise. So take a chance, Kakyoin. You won't lose.

[lapidarius]

[He didn't flinch at where Jotaro's arm had stopped, but it took a second or two for Kakyoin to actually relax with it there. He wasn't exactly in pain as often anymore; for now, his biggest problem seemed to be that the lingering damage was still a sensitive point.]

I can't lose, huh...? [Hesitantly, Kakyoin moved a little closer and put his arms around Jotaro's waist, cautiously leaning his head on the taller student's shoulder.]

So this is okay, right?

[starmark]

You can't lose. It's okay, I'm right here.

[It really wasn't burdensome at all, either; Kakyoin was just about the right height to settle in comfortably, and the weight of his head on Jotaro's shoulder was pleasant in its own way.]

You can relax like this...right?

[lapidarius]

...I guess that depends on whether or not you can.

[starmark]

...

[Okay. Okay. So how was he supposed to navigate something like...hnnnnngh.]

I like it when you're close by.

[lapidarius]

So you're okay with this? Tell me the truth; don't say what you think I should hear.

[...]

I feel better when I'm close to you. But I want to be sure it's something you definitely want as well.

[starmark]

...How do I help you be sure? What does it take?

[He shifted, leaning over to rest his chin atop Kakyoin's head, nestled in soft red hair.]

I want you to be able to believe me, I want you to know the way I feel about things, too. I...need you to show me how to do that.

[He took a slow breath, letting it out again as he held Kakyoin a little tighter.]

If I might need to say things more than once, that's okay. Just tell me, so I know. Because when I don't know, it feels like...you ask me to say it again and I don't know why. I don't understand what was wrong with it the first time.

That's not your fault. I just need to understand, and I don't. So help me...?

[lapidarius]

...I don't think there was anything wrong with it. And it's not...it's not that I don't trust you or don't believe you.

[Kakyoin held him a little tighter once Jotaro had done the same, only just stopping himself from outright clinging.]

It's myself that I end up doubting at times like this. I worry that I'm not worth the effort and time put into things like this, or that I'll make a mistake and ruin the whole thing beyond repair. I ask you to repeat yourself because I...need to know that you're sure. I need to give you the chance to reconsider the situation, just to be certain this is what you want, too.

...it's stupid. I know. I'm sorry--it's not your fault that I end up thinking like that.

[starmark]

It's not stupid. And neither are you.

[...]

There are some promises I can't make. Ones I won't, because I can't risk not being able to keep them. But if I do ever leave you alone, it won't be by choice.

[He paused, silent a moment.]

And if it's not by choice, then you'd better come after me, because I'll be fighting on the other side to get back to you.

[lapidarius]

You know that I will. If anything like that happens, I won't give up until we manage to fix it. [That time Kakyoin didn't stop himself from holding on like his life depended on it, clutching the fabric of Jotaro's shirt without thinking.]

I can't...promise that I'll be able to go back. You know that, and so do I. But I have to believe that it's possible, because I don't-...

[Trailing off, Kakyoin reconsidered what he was about to say and forced back the quiet statement of I don't want to die. There was no need to make it worse, as tangled in guilt and pain on both sides as the matter already was.]

[But after a few seconds, he hid his face against Jotaro's shoulder and kept speaking quietly.]

...I want to go home. I want to tell my parents how much I screwed up and ask them to forgive me for it. I just...want to figure out how to have as normal of a life as people like us can. And I'm worried out of my mind that I might not get a chance to do any of that.